momma2babies34 on Revelife

Weblog

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Selfishness Pride

What is the cause of wars and fighting among you? is it not in your desires which are at war in your bodies? You are burning with desire, and have not your desire, so you put men to death; you are full of envy, and you are not able to get your desire, so you are fighting and making war; you have not your desire, because you do not make request for it. You make your request but you do not get it, because your request has been wrongly made, desiring the thing only so that you may make use of it for your pleasure. O you who are false to God, do you not see that the friends of this world are not God's friends? Every man desiring to be a friend of this world makes himself a hater of God. Or does it seem to you that it is for nothing that the holy Writings say, The spirit which God put into our hearts has a strong desire for us? But he gives more grace. So that the Writings say, God is against the men of pride, but he gives grace to those who make themselves low before him.
_VERSE translation="BBE" end="59004006" start="59004001">James 4:1-6
Consciously, I was always aware of God's warning for whenever I rose up for a fight. My pride burn along with the anger that I ignored the warning which rang loud and clear. The red flag rising in my vision, which I ignored, as well but have grabbed head on and broke the deal.
I was angry. Indeed, it is partly because of the flesh that have a burning desire for something that it cannot have. Yes, I know the sin of hurting. I know the pain of committing the crime. On I went, fighting because of the anger that dug so deep, leaving a huge hole that could barely be covered.
My shame of having defeated by anger and pride, I bury myself from God. My shame burn my hurt and gives me a desire to hide, fade out of existence. Whenever things aren't going how I wished for it, I wanted to run away.
I wanted to disappear. I feel as if the whole world knew of my circumstances. My pain, my sorrow, my shame, my problems and so on.
When I knew a fight was coming because of the anger and pride that ate my righteous mind, I fight like crazy. I get on until either I win or exhausted.
But usually, I get defeated by exhaustion. I never win. Still my pride want to keep going. I never want to step down and give up. I made a mistake and it embarrassed me, thus I become too proud to apologized.
Though I am struggling into allowing GOD control me. Allowing God to guide me so I can have simple life. Actually at the moment, my life is "perfect" with plenty of flaws. We are not having any issues that we cannot handle.
Compare to some, my life seems to be pretty good. No reasons to be ungrateful, no reason to be demanding, either. I have all that I want and I have all that I need. For the time being, I don't have anything that I need or want. Things are well. Life is well. My children are wonderful. My family are good.
And it is because God blessed me, though I swear He shouldn't have. However, I am not going to complain and instead, I am gonna be thanking Him for a lot of things. Even if it's bad things.
Because knowing the bad things that happened, there will always something good coming out of it.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Isolataed by the Lonliness

It has been a while since I came back. A lot of things changed in the past year. Yesterday, my son just turned three months old. And there are days when I found myself wondering what happened to the old life.
A year ago, I was addicted to Revelife. Before that, I was addicted to Xanga. And then before that, I don't remember but I usually like finding myself in chatroom and just talk about stuff with people I never met.
I always felt better writing in blogs. But when something happened over a year ago by the things I wrote, I slowly stopped caring to come back here. I lost interest and care to write anymore.
And funny thing is, it was the same thing in Xanga. I loved writing and always went into it everyday. Then one thing happened and I got in trouble. I found Revelife, hoping that would be a good change. And came here.
But that didn't last very long.
I am so tired of being wise, yet not listening to myself. I am tired of having so many good advices and never take one of my own. I am always hearing people telling me how smart I am, yet I can't go to college because I never finished high school.
I am tired of how people always telling me I have great wisdom, yet it doesn't make any sense of how I am living. My life is great, if you just look at it. Three beautiful healthy children who seems to be happy all the times.
I got a guy that looks and acted like he loves me and always acted fatherly with his newborn. But then again, it was all a show. It feels like a show. This is not my life you're seeing. It is my dream.
However, it is not exactly how I wanted it. I know I can't have life the way I want it to be, because it's all God's will. And I have no choice but to accept it and be grateful because He knows what is good for us.
Sometimes that sucked.
I hate church shopping, it isn't easy. Especially being deaf, it is NOT easy. Though I know that if I made the effort of shopping for a good local home church, God will reward me into finding a perfect one.
I know I have to have patient. But in having patient, I know I have to DO something, not sitting back and waiting for SOMETHING to happen. And certainly nothing will be accomplished if all I do was complain and whine about it.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Dear God

I am very angry. Suddenly I realized, I am angry at YOU.. But why should You get the blame for anything that happened in my life if it wasn't the way I wanted it to? I am not intentionally trying to be angry at You. But, I am.
I guess for a time being, I am angry at a lot of people, including and especially myself. Life is GREAT here. I should be loving it, You have blessed me well. You gave me way more than I deserve.
So why am I miserable? Why am I always fighting against this happiness that creeps in my heart and cheers my mind? Why am I so angry? Especially at You? What have You done to make me so angry?
God, I am hurt by a lot of people. Though I am not too concern about being too "popular" or whatnot, I also am aware they are very human with weakness and tendency of errors but why do they hurt me so much?
I have wanted nothing for them and to do for them but out of kindness. I want to see them happy. They deserve someone good in their lives. I grew up teaching myself to treat others the way I want to be treated. Of course, I never knew there are types of people out there; the kinds that appreicate for all that you're doing and the kinds that takes you for granted.
Since I have been hurt by so many people, I certainly don't need it from You... and I know You don't go hurting people, either. But there are days, where I felt like You have done nothing and allowed things to go wrong..
But I know better. And I am sorry that I feel this way. I am sorry I feel angry toward You. I am sorry for building the walls in between us. I am sorry for many things that is going on right now that's keeping us apart.
As much as I would like to keep secret from You, I only know that it is tearing me apart and You knew those secrets. And God, You know my emotions. You know my mind. You know my soul. And You certainly know my flesh.
And all those four are fighting together right now. Someone wants to win and be the top. And it's maddening. I douno who's winning but I certainly know that my soul is losing.
God, I am so lonely. I don't want to handle this life. I have been listening silencely to this nagging sounds in the back of my head that itch its way to the front. I have been fighting for a long time.
Why am I making this life hard? God, forgive me. I made a lot of mistakes and I am sorry. Please help me to repent and give up into You. I have strong desire to serve you and my family. I want to be a good example for them but how can I?
I feel like a failure, God. I feel like a bad person. I have been taught for years how a worthless human being I am... though slowly I have forgotten but still it's hanging in the sore spot that comes back.
So, help me, God.....

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Who Are You?

Who are you people? Where do you come from? What are you doing here? Why are you looking at me? Will you answer any of my questions?
A lot of times when those questions run through my mind, it always goes unanswered. And when it does, the cycle begin and before long, my mind goes overboard asking endless questions.
Then I begin to wonder about God. Will He do the same thing if we became a stranger? I am a stranger in my own flesh and I wondered who I am to Him. Every morning, I wake up questioning the day that bound to bring.
Sadly, those questions drain the energy out of me that I lack of motivation to live for the day. I become invalid to bother waking up when there's no need. Then the loneliness overwhelmed me when I dream.
As soon as my eyes opened, the emptiness filled my soul and slowly, I drag out of bed. The void that I carry all day, continue with neglect. There was nothing and nobody to feed the void. Yes, indeed, there's God that can do it.
But how can I connect with God when I cannot tear down the wall? He is at distant as well as my heart. The miles in between, leaves me hanging over the cliff every night when my head hit the pillow.
Still, I pray. Even if it is like talking to the wall. I pray in hope that it is heard. I pray as though nothing have come in between me and God. I talk as though He is still present while I am absent.
It goes well with my relationship on earth. My family and I are distant. We are hopefully known as closed family, but as far as emotionally and mentally, I feel so far away from them.
Though they be around, though they be cuddling in my arms, falling asleep; I am still alone. I am still disconnected. I am still lost. I am still endlessly seeking for the answers to stop the questions of hurting.
Because it never stops, it never ends. It doesn't have a beginning. It both exist and doesn't exist until I made it happen. The ache I suffer, never exist because I created my own.
This note probably does not make any sense. Because right now, it is four in the morning and I am lacking sleep. I am writing what comes to my mind. I am not just sure how much of any of this relate with God or whatnot.
But it does relate much with the emptiness of my soul. The broken promises that I listened to growing up... empty threats that continue into my adulthood. And now that my children are being fed with the same thing I eat... same thing I heard. Same thing I see.....
And it doesn't seems to ever stop. Will it ever end? When will it end? Where will it end? How will it end? Who will end it? What is gonna stop it?
Why will it never stop?
Who are you people? What are you doing here? Why are you reading me? Where do you come from? How did you find me? Do you have any answer to what I am saying?
What's stopping you from writing to me? Because you don't know me?

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Silence Screaming to be Heard

Depression. What is it that you know of it? How well of it do you understand? Suicide thoughts. Can you see the meanings of it? Are you suggesting anymore than just seeking for help?
Lately, I have been having those kind of thoughts and it isn't as much cuz I wanna die. Or am I feeling so defeated that I felt suicide is the answer way out of this situation.
I am not thinking of it as a comfort or way to cry out my pain. I am not thinking about it to drown all my hurts so I could no longer feel it. Suicide have so many meanings to it, so many ways to relate.
Which of those have I thought about? And just how often?
Nah, there aren't that many I could imagine having commit and living through it. Er, more like dying through it. And I don't think like all the times as I used to when I was extremely depressed. However, it may be just enough that before long, I will find myself living with the thoughts all the times.
It is always been a curious to me what it was like to have suicide done. Would I have the gut to really do it and leave all this behind, possibility even get myself damned to hell?
I cannot imagine having to hurt myself so badly to die from it, leaving behind my children to someone I may not know taking care of them. I don't want them growing up not knowing who I was and maybe get fed with lies about who I was and why I have done what I did.
I cannot imagine dying on my own will and lost all the connection with God completely and live through this for the rest of my soul life.
However, I am not depressed because I feel like I am not getting enough of what I want. I am not complaining for the things I don't have, or regretting anything I do have.
Though I lack majorally in support and social life, I can imagine maybe, just maybe if I have enough of that to boost myself from feeling like a worthless person, I wouldn't so constantly be thinking like this.
How to put myself out of this position to get myself away from the problems that doesn't exist except for the ones I made? I created my own problems and I am the creator of pains that never exist.
I am comfortable being hurt. I am comfortable being betrayed. I am comfortable being lost and angry. I have pride I bury myself deep into. And above them all, I hate it.
I hate being hurt, I hate being betrayed and I hate being angry. It gets me nowhere. It only danger myself and my relationship with my children, my lover and God. The more I dig deeper into my own problems, the bigger holes I will live with between myself and others.
I know so many people.... I know just about all of those I have met.... who are they? What are they to me? Do I DARE to call them my friends? Have I called them? Have I visited them?
I have done so, in hope to get the same in return.
As much as you would say the devil is my worse enemy, I would say, I am my own worse enemy. I cannot stand the thoughts I think of everyday. I cannot stand the skins I live in. I cannot stand the eyes I see through.....
Because it all seems to be nothing but a lie. My name is a lie. My life is a lie. My motherhood is a lie. My relationships are all a lie.
I have fought nonexist war with my soul against liars. I have struggled believing in God's love and His blessing. I have tried connecting and making senses of things I cannot understand.
My mind is overloaded. And I can't stand it!
God blessed me way more than I deserve. I am grateful despite of my struggle of being happy. I am accepting all that He has given me with thanksgiving.... It may sounds like I am not. But you just don't know what's going on with me inside out.
So, this does not deserve any judgement.
I thanked God everyday for my children. The air I breathe, though sometimes I don't understand why I deserved it. I thanked Him for giving me another day to live and have more chances. I thanked Him for the struggles I am going through and dealing with lies I listened to every night before I go to bed.
I thanked God for so many good things and the bad. Without the bad things, I wouldn't have had good things. I douno if what I am dealing with is a suicidal depression. Or if it's stress that is driving me insane.
I am easily tempered than ever before. I am losing patience. I am no longer finding happiness in any form. Things are not that difficult... but I am just not understanding. Something is HARD but I don't know what it is.
I am reaching out but holding myself back at the same time. I am walking to somewhere yet I am going nowhere. I am calling out but no sounds were heard. I am creating my own world that I hate to live in.
Would you understand me?