momma2babies34's Revelife

Selfishness Pride

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 00:36:39 GMT

What is the cause of wars and fighting among you? is it not in your desires which are at war in your bodies? You are burning with desire, and have not your desire, so you put men to death; you are full of envy, and you are not able to get your desire, so you are fighting and making war; you have not your desire, because you do not make request for it. You make your request but you do not get it, because your request has been wrongly made, desiring the thing only so that you may make use of it for your pleasure. O you who are false to God, do you not see that the friends of this world are not God's friends? Every man desiring to be a friend of this world makes himself a hater of God. Or does it seem to you that it is for nothing that the holy Writings say, The spirit which God put into our hearts has a strong desire for us? But he gives more grace. So that the Writings say, God is against the men of pride, but he gives grace to those who make themselves low before him.

_VERSE translation="BBE" end="59004006" start="59004001">James 4:1-6

Consciously, I was always aware of God's warning for whenever I rose up for a fight. My pride burn along with the anger that I ignored the warning which rang loud and clear. The red flag rising in my vision, which I ignored, as well but have grabbed head on and broke the deal.
I was angry. Indeed, it is partly because of the flesh that have a burning desire for something that it cannot have. Yes, I know the sin of hurting. I know the pain of committing the crime. On I went, fighting because of the anger that dug so deep, leaving a huge hole that could barely be covered.
My shame of having defeated by anger and pride, I bury myself from God. My shame burn my hurt and gives me a desire to hide, fade out of existence. Whenever things aren't going how I wished for it, I wanted to run away.
I wanted to disappear. I feel as if the whole world knew of my circumstances. My pain, my sorrow, my shame, my problems and so on.
When I knew a fight was coming because of the anger and pride that ate my righteous mind, I fight like crazy. I get on until either I win or exhausted.
But usually, I get defeated by exhaustion. I never win. Still my pride want to keep going. I never want to step down and give up. I made a mistake and it embarrassed me, thus I become too proud to apologized.
Though I am struggling into allowing GOD control me. Allowing God to guide me so I can have simple life. Actually at the moment, my life is "perfect" with plenty of flaws. We are not having any issues that we cannot handle.
Compare to some, my life seems to be pretty good. No reasons to be ungrateful, no reason to be demanding, either. I have all that I want and I have all that I need. For the time being, I don't have anything that I need or want. Things are well. Life is well. My children are wonderful. My family are good.
And it is because God blessed me, though I swear He shouldn't have. However, I am not going to complain and instead, I am gonna be thanking Him for a lot of things. Even if it's bad things.
Because knowing the bad things that happened, there will always something good coming out of it.

Isolataed by the Lonliness

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 05:58:29 GMT

It has been a while since I came back. A lot of things changed in the past year. Yesterday, my son just turned three months old. And there are days when I found myself wondering what happened to the old life.

A year ago, I was addicted to Revelife. Before that, I was addicted to Xanga. And then before that, I don't remember but I usually like finding myself in chatroom and just talk about stuff with people I never met.

I always felt better writing in blogs. But when something happened over a year ago by the things I wrote, I slowly stopped caring to come back here. I lost interest and care to write anymore.

And funny thing is, it was the same thing in Xanga. I loved writing and always went into it everyday. Then one thing happened and I got in trouble. I found Revelife, hoping that would be a good change. And came here.

But that didn't last very long.

I am so tired of being wise, yet not listening to myself. I am tired of having so many good advices and never take one of my own. I am always hearing people telling me how smart I am, yet I can't go to college because I never finished high school.

I am tired of how people always telling me I have great wisdom, yet it doesn't make any sense of how I am living. My life is great, if you just look at it. Three beautiful healthy children who seems to be happy all the times.

I got a guy that looks and acted like he loves me and always acted fatherly with his newborn. But then again, it was all a show. It feels like a show. This is not my life you're seeing. It is my dream.

However, it is not exactly how I wanted it. I know I can't have life the way I want it to be, because it's all God's will. And I have no choice but to accept it and be grateful because He knows what is good for us.

Sometimes that sucked.

I hate church shopping, it isn't easy. Especially being deaf, it is NOT easy. Though I know that if I made the effort of shopping for a good local home church, God will reward me into finding a perfect one.

I know I have to have patient. But in having patient, I know I have to DO something, not sitting back and waiting for SOMETHING to happen. And certainly nothing will be accomplished if all I do was complain and whine about it.

Dear God

Thu, 21 May 2009 02:52:49 GMT

I am very angry. Suddenly I realized, I am angry at YOU.. But why should You get the blame for anything that happened in my life if it wasn't the way I wanted it to? I am not intentionally trying to be angry at You. But, I am.

I guess for a time being, I am angry at a lot of people, including and especially myself. Life is GREAT here. I should be loving it, You have blessed me well. You gave me way more than I deserve.

So why am I miserable? Why am I always fighting against this happiness that creeps in my heart and cheers my mind? Why am I so angry? Especially at You? What have You done to make me so angry?

God, I am hurt by a lot of people. Though I am not too concern about being too "popular" or whatnot, I also am aware they are very human with weakness and tendency of errors but why do they hurt me so much?

I have wanted nothing for them and to do for them but out of kindness. I want to see them happy. They deserve someone good in their lives. I grew up teaching myself to treat others the way I want to be treated. Of course, I never knew there are types of people out there; the kinds that appreicate for all that you're doing and the kinds that takes you for granted.

Since I have been hurt by so many people, I certainly don't need it from You... and I know You don't go hurting people, either. But there are days, where I felt like You have done nothing and allowed things to go wrong..

But I know better. And I am sorry that I feel this way. I am sorry I feel angry toward You. I am sorry for building the walls in between us. I am sorry for many things that is going on right now that's keeping us apart.

As much as I would like to keep secret from You, I only know that it is tearing me apart and You knew those secrets. And God, You know my emotions. You know my mind. You know my soul. And You certainly know my flesh.

And all those four are fighting together right now. Someone wants to win and be the top. And it's maddening. I douno who's winning but I certainly know that my soul is losing.

God, I am so lonely. I don't want to handle this life. I have been listening silencely to this nagging sounds in the back of my head that itch its way to the front. I have been fighting for a long time.

Why am I making this life hard? God, forgive me. I made a lot of mistakes and I am sorry. Please help me to repent and give up into You. I have strong desire to serve you and my family. I want to be a good example for them but how can I?

I feel like a failure, God. I feel like a bad person. I have been taught for years how a worthless human being I am... though slowly I have forgotten but still it's hanging in the sore spot that comes back.

So, help me, God.....

Who Are You?

Sat, 16 May 2009 08:15:10 GMT

Who are you people? Where do you come from? What are you doing here? Why are you looking at me? Will you answer any of my questions?

A lot of times when those questions run through my mind, it always goes unanswered. And when it does, the cycle begin and before long, my mind goes overboard asking endless questions.

Then I begin to wonder about God. Will He do the same thing if we became a stranger? I am a stranger in my own flesh and I wondered who I am to Him. Every morning, I wake up questioning the day that bound to bring.

Sadly, those questions drain the energy out of me that I lack of motivation to live for the day. I become invalid to bother waking up when there's no need. Then the loneliness overwhelmed me when I dream.

As soon as my eyes opened, the emptiness filled my soul and slowly, I drag out of bed. The void that I carry all day, continue with neglect. There was nothing and nobody to feed the void. Yes, indeed, there's God that can do it.

But how can I connect with God when I cannot tear down the wall? He is at distant as well as my heart. The miles in between, leaves me hanging over the cliff every night when my head hit the pillow.

Still, I pray. Even if it is like talking to the wall. I pray in hope that it is heard. I pray as though nothing have come in between me and God. I talk as though He is still present while I am absent.

It goes well with my relationship on earth. My family and I are distant. We are hopefully known as closed family, but as far as emotionally and mentally, I feel so far away from them.

Though they be around, though they be cuddling in my arms, falling asleep; I am still alone. I am still disconnected. I am still lost. I am still endlessly seeking for the answers to stop the questions of hurting.

Because it never stops, it never ends. It doesn't have a beginning. It both exist and doesn't exist until I made it happen. The ache I suffer, never exist because I created my own.

This note probably does not make any sense. Because right now, it is four in the morning and I am lacking sleep. I am writing what comes to my mind. I am not just sure how much of any of this relate with God or whatnot.

But it does relate much with the emptiness of my soul. The broken promises that I listened to growing up... empty threats that continue into my adulthood. And now that my children are being fed with the same thing I eat... same thing I heard. Same thing I see.....

And it doesn't seems to ever stop. Will it ever end? When will it end? Where will it end? How will it end? Who will end it? What is gonna stop it?

Why will it never stop?

Who are you people? What are you doing here? Why are you reading me? Where do you come from? How did you find me? Do you have any answer to what I am saying?

What's stopping you from writing to me? Because you don't know me?

Silence Screaming to be Heard

Wed, 13 May 2009 01:43:23 GMT

Depression. What is it that you know of it? How well of it do you understand? Suicide thoughts. Can you see the meanings of it? Are you suggesting anymore than just seeking for help?

Lately, I have been having those kind of thoughts and it isn't as much cuz I wanna die. Or am I feeling so defeated that I felt suicide is the answer way out of this situation.

I am not thinking of it as a comfort or way to cry out my pain. I am not thinking about it to drown all my hurts so I could no longer feel it. Suicide have so many meanings to it, so many ways to relate.

Which of those have I thought about? And just how often?

Nah, there aren't that many I could imagine having commit and living through it. Er, more like dying through it. And I don't think like all the times as I used to when I was extremely depressed. However, it may be just enough that before long, I will find myself living with the thoughts all the times.

It is always been a curious to me what it was like to have suicide done. Would I have the gut to really do it and leave all this behind, possibility even get myself damned to hell?

I cannot imagine having to hurt myself so badly to die from it, leaving behind my children to someone I may not know taking care of them. I don't want them growing up not knowing who I was and maybe get fed with lies about who I was and why I have done what I did.

I cannot imagine dying on my own will and lost all the connection with God completely and live through this for the rest of my soul life.

However, I am not depressed because I feel like I am not getting enough of what I want. I am not complaining for the things I don't have, or regretting anything I do have.

Though I lack majorally in support and social life, I can imagine maybe, just maybe if I have enough of that to boost myself from feeling like a worthless person, I wouldn't so constantly be thinking like this.

How to put myself out of this position to get myself away from the problems that doesn't exist except for the ones I made? I created my own problems and I am the creator of pains that never exist.

I am comfortable being hurt. I am comfortable being betrayed. I am comfortable being lost and angry. I have pride I bury myself deep into. And above them all, I hate it.

I hate being hurt, I hate being betrayed and I hate being angry. It gets me nowhere. It only danger myself and my relationship with my children, my lover and God. The more I dig deeper into my own problems, the bigger holes I will live with between myself and others.

I know so many people.... I know just about all of those I have met.... who are they? What are they to me? Do I DARE to call them my friends? Have I called them? Have I visited them?

I have done so, in hope to get the same in return.

As much as you would say the devil is my worse enemy, I would say, I am my own worse enemy. I cannot stand the thoughts I think of everyday. I cannot stand the skins I live in. I cannot stand the eyes I see through.....

Because it all seems to be nothing but a lie. My name is a lie. My life is a lie. My motherhood is a lie. My relationships are all a lie.

I have fought nonexist war with my soul against liars. I have struggled believing in God's love and His blessing. I have tried connecting and making senses of things I cannot understand.

My mind is overloaded. And I can't stand it!

God blessed me way more than I deserve. I am grateful despite of my struggle of being happy. I am accepting all that He has given me with thanksgiving.... It may sounds like I am not. But you just don't know what's going on with me inside out.

So, this does not deserve any judgement.

I thanked God everyday for my children. The air I breathe, though sometimes I don't understand why I deserved it. I thanked Him for giving me another day to live and have more chances. I thanked Him for the struggles I am going through and dealing with lies I listened to every night before I go to bed.

I thanked God for so many good things and the bad. Without the bad things, I wouldn't have had good things. I douno if what I am dealing with is a suicidal depression. Or if it's stress that is driving me insane.

I am easily tempered than ever before. I am losing patience. I am no longer finding happiness in any form. Things are not that difficult... but I am just not understanding. Something is HARD but I don't know what it is.

I am reaching out but holding myself back at the same time. I am walking to somewhere yet I am going nowhere. I am calling out but no sounds were heard. I am creating my own world that I hate to live in.

Would you understand me?

Presisting Loneliness

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:54:35 GMT

First of all, I was not done writing last night. Distractions took my time away from the computer. Then one thing led to another. My fiance gave me a surprise when he came home, throwing up and passing out. Normally he would be at work until either by 11pm or 2am, heck, even late as 5am!

But it was barely 9pm when he walked in on me. I screamed my head off, surprised that it didn't wake the kids. All three children continue on sleeping peacefully. I had to drag my fiance to bed and tuck him in with a glass of ice water ready and a bucket, just in case.

You know, I am a member of Facebook but can you imagine just how many people I know? This is not a bragging part but a fact I am making. I have 113 friends on my list.

Just how many of them do I know? About 90 of them I have met and hung out with... but just about how many of them have I still contact with? That have returned a favor of visiting me or even talked with me?

Lemme think for a minute... Oh, I say out of them all, only a handful. Actually most of them don't even visited me [ not to mention a lot of my friends are from Missouri whereas I am in Arkansas right now. ] but they BARELY even spoke with me.

I have constantly immed them, emailed them, commented them and whatnot... only to find myself waiting still on their reply. A few occassionally do reply... but it is only a rare moment would I hear from them.

Does that means we are not even friends anymore? Or is it just "numbers" on my buddy list? I am not talking about being popular or even if I am demanding to be noticed...

But I am only observing the purpose of friendships. What does it mean really, being a friend? What does it mean friendships? Does it take a lot to be one? Or is it simply that this is all an act?

Tonight, as my faince lay in bed reading a book, I was somewhat fuming. All week, I have been feeling insane! Going crazy with the obession of cleaning the house so that I don't end up with the way the last two apartments I have lived in... [ it has been such a flithy mess ] and wanting company.

Don't take me wrong, I love being in the company of my three children but that's the thing. They are only children. We can have so much to talk about. And lately, we are having frustrating time communicating because of lack of understanding. Both of my oldest are not aware of most sign language they should have known by now.

That alone, I was furious with myself. What was wrong with me? What have I done with my children as far as it comes to commiunication? So much ran through my mind. I was scared because if we continue to live like this, they will grow up being frustrated with not being able to talk with me and eventually gives up talking to me altogether....

Then our relationship will fade. I dread the idea of possiblities that my children will grow up and abandon me. Like my brother and I have done with our mother. Though I occassionally keep in touch with my mother but not as much as I would have liked.

My brother completely abandoned her and considered her dead.

This entry is not meant to be depressing or demanding, being so all "poor me. feel sorry for me" kind of thing.. I am only writing what I actually feel and have always noticed for years.

All this is the same while I lived in Missouri. I had a lot of people I knew but none of whom I could call a friend, except a FEW lucky people.

Noticing all this really drags me down to the lowest level. And having noticed that, I become feeling lonely. Yesterday, my fiance and I had a fight about this topic. I was complaining to him about how people don't come to visit me and hang out anymore...

And sure, I felt like they don't want to, all because of my children. And that is NOT fair. Mothers need friends, too!

I was complaining how I usually would always be the one going out of here to their places and meet up with them but they never come here. And now that with one car, him working overnights and me having three children, I cannot GO over there.

Joshua was telling me I wasn't being open and welcoming. Nobody felt like they were invited to come over. And I couldn't understand why he would say such thing. I opened up big time, telling them they were always welcome to come over anytime...

I tried to set up weekly gathering for poker and have some kind of potluck dinners, where I will make the main dish and they just pinch in whatever they wanna go along with it.

Out of five weeks, they have come over twice. One Friday night, I begged my fiance into letting me have the car so I could have the chance to get out of the house.

Sure enough, he let me but then I didn't know what to do. And decided to go visiting them. And more people showed up at their house. I felt confused and wondered why ...

Then that made me feel lonelier.

Oh, trust me, I have prayed to God A LOT lately. With this loneliness and boredom, I cry out to Him, talk with Him, praised Him and I am always trying to remember to thank Him even for the loneliness and depression.

I am always trying to be grateful. But it is getting to be a drag, being lonely. Having nobody to talk to, to talk with... When I needed a good cry, I couldn't find the tears to shed.

Tonight, my fiance and I lay in bed reading a book and cross stitching, while I was feeling a bit annoyed in my boredom and loneliness... I couldn't understand why while I could get out of the house, I didn't.

I couldn't understand why when I could have talked with him, there was nothing to say. All week, I NEEDED desperately to talk with anybody about ANYTHING.. to keep my sanity in place.

Talking with God is unfortunately a one side converstation. Maybe it is because I am so behind in this whole relationship and emotion connection with God that it seems I am the one doing all the talk.

All I know is that, I just wish I could understand. I wish there's a control on this insanity that is threatening to take over my life. I wish I could understand the obession that will destory my family and my life if I don't take control of it. I just wish I could understand why I am so lonely.....

And I just hope I am not sounding like a whine. But a lonely mother who is reaching out for attention in hope for something good and positive in return, not all the wrong kinds.

Maybe only if I had a better connection with God that all this would be bearable... and I would be patient.

While my fiance is finally at home but unfortunately it was because of illness, I find myself avoiding him. I am so used to having him gone at this hour, and normally we only have an hour a day together and usually he spend it on either getting on MySpace, reading a book or just getting ready for work.

We barely even spend time together anymore... But of course an hour a day seeing him is not that bad comparing to a lot of people who couldn't see their loved one at all..

Since this is so routine, I am finding myself rather bored with this. And stuck. During the day, all my friends are at work, or there isn't really much to do... during the night, he is gone with the car and I am trapped in home.

I warned myself not to complain too much... because then what if hours did change.. he went back to the daytime and then I will find myself right back here complaining about it...

Or worse... he loses ALL the hour and has no job.

So, seriously, all the while I complain and whine about his hours, lacking of togetherness, I DO also remind myself to be grateful. And I do thank God. Like I said, I even thanked Him for the loneliness because I know down the road He will make the good use out of it and I will eventually learn something from it...

God never leaves one behind without a plan. That I know....... But does that stop me from the feeling?? I knew and expected the weekly poker gathering be a bit tough to get started but it didn't stop me from feeling hurt that nobody showed up.

Knowing and feeling are really tough to get along... Mind and heart are constantly an enemy of each other.

What Does God Say of the Loneliness?

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 02:58:25 GMT

Is lack of Christian friends be at blame of becoming backsliding? I know one of the problems of struggling Christianity is lack of Church life. I noticed MY lack of motivation into coming here often enough to write and read.

God have given me gift of writing and the love of sharing. But my love for writing has changed. It has changed since the betrayal I have caused to others. Slowly I have dropped out of writing often.

It was not caused by busyness in my life, though now I am a mother of another child, a five weeks old son. He was a surprise blessing send by God that we never thought would have happened in our lives.

I have slowly accepted there was a possiblity of never having another baby in my life. When God chose to bless me, I felt that His timing sucked. Because we have recently moved to Arkansas as to where I knew of nobody.

Everything was new and usually I don't adjust too well of changes. Now that has been overcome with barely enough strength and patience, I am still alive and kicking a year later.

Though there has been so many days when I have wanted to give up and run away. Abandon this blessing God have given me and disappear. My misery was horrible that it nearly destoried my family.

It is all about the Attitude

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:12:23 GMT

It has taken me a long time to learn something about attitude. I realized lately how thankful I have been since the day my son was born and how much I have changed outwardly.

Sure I have heard this so many times that the positive you are inside, the positive you are the outside. Like a sponge, so I always look at it. And it is so true about the saying, "You are what you eat."

As I was saying, lately I wake up in the morning and the first thing after thinking how much I wanted to continue sleeping, I thanked God for everything. I know it has a lot to do with the new baby and moving to a nicer place, though it is not exactly bigger... however I have not found myself in the dump.

Like I have been struggling with as of late. But the funny thing is, usually this takes practice and a lot of self-discipline. Maybe with the new baby and the move, the load has been lifted from my shoulders and I have found myself giving up in God again.

I knew for a long time I have been depending on myself and that was the error of Christian life. Though that is the weakest part of my walk in God. Forgetting that I needed HIM and not to depend on myself to get through life.

Ever since we moved to Arkansas, things has been really amazing. But there was a lot of bumpy road since. Then suddenly after the baby's birth and the move to new apartment, something changed.

I cannot figure out what has changed but I will not spend all my time trying to. I am only finding myself more grateful. Sure, I am still a grumpy moody lady time to time...

The first night Joshua returned to work after baby birth [in the new apartment] [he was on the paid vacation from work.] I knew my old self would be craving for company, longing to have someone [adult] around. Usually I would have felt lonely and sad.

But I found myself thinking, "Wow, when I am usually lonely or sad, I am moping around but instead I find myself thanking God for everything and getting around the house freely."

What changed?

All I know is that I feel more positive, happier and free. I am no longer feeling the need to depend on myself and rely on my emotions to get through life.

For years I have struggled with depression and on and off I have taken types of medications to help with mood swings in the last 10 years... things were still in the gloom for me.

But when I had suspicious of my pregnancy, I completely stopped cold turkey on the medication. For about three months or so, my moods was horrible, I was the monster in mask.

Slowly, I was returning to myself. But I was still seeking God depserately with losses. I couldn't find Him, I couldn't connect with Him, I couldn't feel Him or see Him. I couldn't hear Him.

I read devotions all the times as of late, but beforehand, reading them would have just gone past through my mind. I wouldn't have gotten the grip on the reality of what's going on.

And now that I am finally getting back with God, everything is starting to make sense. Though I cannot say that the past few years made any sense, to why all this has happened.

But the changes, are all making sense. God is really amazing. Gotta love that Dude!! Seriously, what is life without God? It is really blessing to have Him in our lives. I am ever more grateful for all that He has done to me and for me.

God is good!

The Baby Has Been Born!

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 05:14:24 GMT

Unheard Confession Needs to be Made

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 23:55:26 GMT

I have a confession to make.

I have terrible addiction that is driving me apart from God and can ruin my realtionships with my family, myself, my friends and God. It is the kind of confession I want to make with someone hearing me and help me cleanse my soul.

The sin of my commitment colors my soul black. The more I have return to that addiction, the more darker I find myself lost into. It is a lonely place in which I have lived in for a long time.

Right now I have nobody spiritual I can trust to express my mistakes and sorrows. Someone I can turn to and fall down on my knees, crying freely in confession of my wrongdoings.

This is the only place I can turn to and write. However, it isn't a place where I can freely confess WHAT I have been doing, because it is what I need to do. Say the stuff I have committed and beg for forgiveness.

I know God forgives. I know He is loving, kind and have mercy. I know He is understanding and patient.

But the sin repeatedly motivation me to commit. I have tried telling myself over and over that it takes me nowhere. I tried unsccuessfully to remind myself it only driven me guilty.

The first time I explore the addiction was due to my ex husband's. He always enter that place whenever I was gone. I returned and inspected the places he visited.

After we broken up, I never thought about it again. It was a forgotten memory. Until I was reminded where to go and visit, I returned. Slowly it became addiction for me to fight with.

It seems pointless for me praying to God for forgiveness and asking for His help to control my addiction when I kept returning. I thought that maybe if I had some support and help from someone, a spiritual guide, I may be able to stop.

But I know that it is my power. That it is my desire. If I wanted to quit, I just have to try. And keep trying harder. It is the same for losing weight. It is the same for any kind of habits we try to break.

Some of us are able to break free and move on without help. But some of us needs to have help.

I tried to wait a few days to see if I was able to control my addiction and soon forget before I was able to turn to God and pray. But then I turn back and did it again.

*Sigh*