How desperate are you for God? For many years I have struggled with my footings at where I stand in this world. My life has not been so great time to time and when I have fallen, I get torn.

The lies I listened to constantly tear it ways into my mind and defeat me to the purpose of winning. I searched longingly for Christ to be forgiven in everything that I do and occasionally I am lost at words and confused at understanding.

What is the truth? Where is the truth? Why am I fighting? Who am I fighting with? Am I fighting with God to understand His love? Or am I fighting with the enemy that tears at my soul endlessly?

The answer, I came to know, is both. Does it make sense? Not at all. I asked God over and over to guide me and help me through this. A lot of times He has answered my prayer and walked me through life, without my knowledge or awareness.

During the ice storm, which I daresay is the WORSE experience I have ever lived through since ages, my life was turned upside down. The moment the power went out, I feared the worse.

I was losing faith and lack of trust in God. My fiance was calm and collected while I was opposite. I was getting angrier and more scared as the days turned into a week.

On the fifth night, we fought. We almost ended everything. I have told God despite of my fear, I cannot help being a human. I know He KNOWS what He is doing and that He is in control. That I have NOTHING in control... What was there that I could have done to make anything better?

I have tried to put aside my doubt and fear and let God handle it. But my flesh took over and I wanted more out of nothing. The cold was driving me nuts, the food we are losing are scaring me.

I came unprepared. Maybe if we were more prepared, things would have been a bit more bearable. But I was unaware of the ice storm approaching. I was unaware of what there we could have done to be prepared for the worse.

Now that I experienced it, I have learned to be prepared the next time something like this happened. I would want to get a trunk or something to store up the emergency backups.

The only thing I wouldn't know in this case is how to stay warm [for the winter] or cool [for the summer] ..

Once everything got under control, I was awed at God's blessing. Awed at His plans and control for everything that happened. All into that week, we have spend extra money on fast food and gas for driving around.

We also went shopping to get some emergency things which we thought would put us into the red with the bank. But once I checked the balance, we managed to have five dollars in the bank.

My fiance had a speeding ticket that was suppose to get through but I made a mistake writing out a check to wrong place, got returned asking to rewrite the check to the correct place...

We stopped in the courthouse to find out more about what we could do. Honestly we couldn't afford the ticket RIGHT NOW after the ice  storm. But God watched out for us.

As it turned out, he was offered to take a driving classes and the ticket will be washed off of his record. I think we will still have to pay some price for it but I douno.

You know, it really struck me funny. I have doubted God through fears. I was a monster in that week without electric. We weren't careful with our budget. All those things that happened, yet we were blessed.

Why?

Why reward us when we were in doubt? Why bless us when we were in fear? Why is God so generous to us while we wanted to take care of things our own way?

I am torn in both worlds. I live in the dark and still desire to serve God. I do know that it does not work this way. I am too aware of what the world offer. And what good they are to us.

I am also aware of the great things God gives. I am not complaining about God, at all. I am truly grateful for everything that He has done for my family.  I would never know where we would be if it wasn't for Him.

But I question God a lot. A lot of why's and the wondrous of being blessed. I know we all have this plenty of "why's" to ask God. Mostly, why do I deserve everything that God have given me?

Why did He bless me three children? Why did He bless me with this life while I deserve the worse? Why does He love me, when a lot of times I rather to walk away and push Him out of my life? 

What am I to Him? Who am I to Him? I am not faithful, I am not fire on God. I am not great follower and I am not perfect. [ I know nobody is perfect. ] Sometimes I just don't understand God. But I do know that I don't have to. That we shouldn't understand Him. Because maybe if we did, we would be over our head.

Overwhelmed and confused or great with power and abuse it.

All in all, in everything that I wrote today, I must say that God is GREAT!

Noticed how a lot of people always tend to put themselves in high expectation to make goals; sometimes it is too overwhelming and too much that eventually they just drop out and cancel out the plans.

I don't believe into making revolutions at all, especially in the beginning of the New Year. I have a lot of ideas of what I want to accomplish and complete into reaching my goals. I do have long list of what to do to start over.

But from my experience, it was never good enough to get me going. It was never good enough to complete. It was actually pointless and worthless. Don't take me wrong, I know there are a lot of people out there that are actually accomplishing their goals and reaching to the end.

I applaud them for doing great job. They have made something right in their lives, most likely with God's help.

But, that's the thing. Did they fill out the list of Revolutions with God's help? Or did they just do it out of their own free will? And usually on their own free will, those are the ones to likely to fail.

With God's help, things ARE possible.  I will say, that without making actual plans that I do have one revolution to make this new coming year. Recommitting myself to God. What's better than that?

Matthew 19:26; Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I looked back in my young adulthood when I had a great relationship with God, what it was that gave us a good start. Usually in the mornings, I set the alarm at certain time,  after I dressed and groom myself, I sat down with an open journal and wrote personally to God.

Though, I didn't read the bible or actually pray [it is not my gift to be a praying person. God gave me a different gift and it was writing then. Nowadays, I think He has given me a new gift that I have yet to figure out.]

But to come to the point, I realized what gave me a good days and kept my eyes open to the path of righteous was the time I have given to God every morning. For about an hour or so, it was Him and me, alone.

And the rest of the day, I am taking care of myself according to His will. At that time, I had a lot of debts due to the unemployment and when I got the job, it was all I was working for; paying off my debts.

When that was accomplished, God told me to find another job.

You know, I have ten more weeks until my newborn son is due into my arms. And into those ten weeks I want to be able to recommit myself back to God so that I may be a better mom.

I also want to be a better girlfriend to my fiance. Like I said, without making plans, I have a lot of revolutions I want to make. But first thing first comes to that I put myself in God's hands for Him to handle.

Because honestly, I have way too much right now on my plate. And it isn't pretty, either. There are a lot of mistakes that are too late to correct and fix, that the only options I have left is either regret it or give it up to God to forgive and forget.

It won't be easy to commit myself every day reading the bible, or even the devotional but I will do my best. I believe that in trying to do so, I should come in here and write.

Like how I used to have it back when. But then again, it isn't promising because back then and nowadays are totally different. I am not the same person nor am I in the same place anymore. So there is a chance that I have to find something else to be able to recommit myself back to God.

I am not exactly a morning person but today I couldn't sleep too well to be able to go back to sleep. My sleeping pattern is way too screwed up that I am never getting rest and enough sleep in the mornings to be able to get up and be anxious for the day.

My mornings are usually like those with a cold that are not feeling good. Due to that, for sleep apnea that I have.  I wake up very tired, even if I went to bed early. I get headaches that last for way too long.

But I will try to not let that get in the way of my relationship with God. What He and I  have are way too important to put aside. I desire for Him. I am dying to be in His presence.

At least, I know that if I put myself in His hands, He will give me rest. He will give me strength. He will give me what I need beyond what I want.

God have a lot of good things that I don't want to pass up. I know that at least with Him, I won't be weary and overwhelmed by the earthly worries and things of this world.

So there you have it, it is my "New Year Revolution"; Recommitting myself back to God. I know that will involve a lot of fights with the devil. It won't be fun but I will manage with His help.....

The beginning was going alright last night. First starter was that I went to bed at 6 Friday night and woke up at 1am. Then into all day Saturday, I stayed awake cleaning the house, took kids out to get their enegry drained out and then came home to take a short quick nap.

My daughter woke up around 4am, scared of the dark and joined me in the living room watching a movie. She was still awake for the day. At first she was really upset when I told her to take a nap with me but decided well with it when I explained that we were going out that night.

I took the kids and myself to the deaf club. The people all loved my fruit punch I made. That totally boast my self esteem. The drink was gone within half an hour. I was amazed.

At the end of the club, there was a group of ten of us chatting non-stop. We were all enjoying ourselves and hanging out, just going at it. Then it was time to close, we were all outside discussing about what to do the rest of the night.

I kinda hurried them up into deciding what to do because my children were running around outside. It was way past their bedtime, so I told them I would have to drop them off and then we can decide what to do.

One dude suggested we go out to another town, but I explained that I was borrowing my ex's car and he did not have enough gas. The couple was willing to give me a ride.

We arrive at this pretty cool place to munch on and drink, chatting some more. I think we were out for good four hours. Unfortunately afterward, when we returned to the parking spot, our cars were missing.

It got towed. We all walked over three miles to the place where they kept our cars. Actually, I am somewhat blessed that it was not my car because I was flat broke and it turned out it cost them 120 dollars [or 110 I am not sure] to get their cars back. But I felt bad they had to pay so much!!

Man, what an expensive snack/drink we had!! Ha.. but man in that three miles walk, I have had contractions here and there. Whew. People were concern about me, asking if we needed a break or whatnot.

Not to mention eventually I was on full bladder and what a pain it was!!

We were just barely 10 minutes arriving the place before they would close. Man. We got lucky, at that one.

My faince arrived home half an hour after I got back here. It was an amazing night, really and I enjoyed it!! It was great. We all had our adult time, a break from home and enjoyed each other company.

Then Joshua and I watched the movie together and my daughter woke up again at 4am or so.

Sadly, I have not yet returned to bed, I know that I should get some sleep but honestly, I don't really want to as of yet, because I would like to go to church today. They are having a guest preacher and I would like to meet him this time.

I kept missing opportunity of different pastors hosting their church.

And I figured by the time kids are needing to be asleep tonight for school tomorrow, I will be totally knocked out cold for the night. But then again, long rested sleep has not exist in my world for a long time.

How many of you remember this joyous verse found in the carton of a dozen eggs? I am sure there used to be so many things in the past where God is reminded everywhere and verses are found in several things/places.

But this egg carton, is one I always remembered. It wasn't until recently I just remembered it, realizing that the egg carton no longer use that verse. Funny thing, back even when I couldn't understand the meaning of the verse, it always brought joy to my life.

I am reminded to have a good day... Then it got me to thinking, I feel sorry for the future people. One day, God will be completely forgotten. Only a few of us remained.

Of course that is the big plan of the devil. Sadly...

I was reading the devotional about having a faith like child. How children atuomatically believe in everything you teach and say. They trust you. They believe in you. And even when they get hurt by you, they are still forgiving and loving toward you.

I have known from experince and growing up, how loving God is.. That He would never forsaken us or hurt us... but how easily it is for us to forsaken Him and forget.

I have been constantly reminded this week of few things... I am having weakness overwhelming me that the satan saw the opening and came attacking me. I opened the bible and read one part of verse telling us that we were given a life to enjoy, not be afraid.

Then I remembered....

I worried that one day, God will be completely forgotten. I worried that one day, my family will never have heard of Him. It is indeed my responsibility to teach my children of God's existance and love... but I am not made out to really teach about God.

Thus is why I wanted a sunday school for my children... They deserve to have a choice. Chose to believe in God and live for Him or not... this way, I am not left with a mistake of not giving them a choice. They need to know there is one.

Looking at my children, I can clearly see the how much they trusted us and have faith in us. I know so many children are this way... and that when they became older, more aware of this world, their heart changes.

Then everything around them change.

What will become of the world in a few years? In my children's adulthood? I only pray that there will be more of Christian people gathering, growing strong onto each other with God's help.

I don't wanna see this world damned to hell. That thought made me sad! Scared, too. If only, God can be back in America!! Bring Him back in school. Put Him in our work place. Keep Him in our hearts and homes. *Sigh*