Friday, 12 June 2009

• Isolataed by the Lonliness

  It has been a while since I came back. A lot of things changed in the past year. Yesterday, my son just turned three months old. And there are days when I found myself wondering what happened to the old life.

  A year ago, I was addicted to Revelife. Before that, I was addicted to Xanga. And then before that, I don't remember but I usually like finding myself in chatroom and just talk about stuff with people I never met.

  I always felt better writing in blogs. But when something happened over a year ago by the things I wrote, I slowly stopped caring to come back here. I lost interest and care to write anymore.

  And funny thing is, it was the same thing in Xanga. I loved writing and always went into it everyday. Then one thing happened and I got in trouble. I found Revelife, hoping that would be a good change. And came here.

  But that didn't last very long.

  I am so tired of being wise, yet not listening to myself. I am tired of having so many good advices and never take one of my own. I am always hearing people telling me how smart I am, yet I can't go to college because I never finished high school.

  I am tired of how people always telling me I have great wisdom, yet it doesn't make any sense of how I am living. My life is great, if you just look at it. Three beautiful healthy children who seems to be happy all the times.

  I got a guy that looks and acted like he loves me and always acted fatherly with his newborn. But then again, it was all a show.  It feels like a show. This is not my life you're seeing. It is my dream.

  However, it is not exactly how I wanted it. I know I can't have life the way I want it to be, because it's all God's will. And I have no choice but to accept it and be grateful because He knows what is good for us.

  Sometimes that sucked.

  I hate church shopping, it isn't easy. Especially being deaf, it is NOT  easy. Though I know that if I made the effort of shopping for a good local home church, God will reward me into finding a perfect one.

  I know I have to have patient. But in having patient, I know I have to DO something, not sitting back and waiting for SOMETHING to happen. And certainly nothing will be accomplished if all I do was complain and whine about it.

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