Wednesday, 20 May 2009

• Dear God

  I am very angry. Suddenly I realized, I am angry at YOU.. But why should You get the blame for anything that happened in my life if it wasn't the way I wanted it to? I am not intentionally trying to be angry at You. But, I am.

  I guess for a time being, I am angry at a lot of people, including and especially myself. Life is GREAT here. I should be loving it, You have blessed me well. You gave me way more than I deserve.

  So why am I miserable? Why am I always fighting against this happiness that creeps in my heart and cheers my mind? Why am I so angry? Especially at You? What have You done to make me so angry?

  God, I am hurt by a lot of people. Though I am not too concern about being too "popular" or whatnot, I also am aware they are very human with weakness and tendency of errors but why do they hurt me so much?

  I have wanted nothing for them and to do for them but out of kindness. I want to see them happy. They deserve someone good in their lives. I grew up teaching myself to treat others the way I want to be treated. Of course, I never knew there are types of people out there; the kinds that appreicate for all that you're doing and the kinds that takes you for granted.

  Since I have been hurt by so many people, I certainly don't need it from You... and I know You don't go hurting people, either. But there are days, where I felt like You have done nothing and allowed things to go wrong..

  But I know better. And I am sorry that I feel this way. I am sorry I feel angry toward You. I am sorry for building the walls in between us. I am sorry for many things that is going on right now that's keeping us apart.

  As much as I would like to keep secret from You, I only know that it is tearing me apart and You knew those secrets. And God, You know my emotions. You know my mind. You know my soul. And You certainly know my flesh.

  And all those four are fighting together right now. Someone wants to win and be the top. And it's maddening. I douno who's winning but I certainly know that my soul is losing.

  God, I am so lonely. I don't want to handle this life. I have been listening silencely to this nagging sounds in the back of my head that itch its way to the front. I have been fighting for a long time.

  Why am I making this life hard? God, forgive me. I made a lot of mistakes and I am sorry. Please help me to repent and give up into You. I have strong desire to serve you and my family. I want to be a good example for them but how can I?

  I feel like a failure, God. I feel like a bad person. I have been taught for years how a worthless human being I am... though slowly I have forgotten but still it's hanging in the sore spot that comes back.

  So, help me, God.....

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