Saturday, 16 May 2009

• Who Are You?

  Who are you people? Where do you come from? What are you doing here? Why are you looking at me? Will you answer any of my questions?

  A lot of times when those questions run through my mind, it always goes unanswered. And when it does, the cycle begin and before long, my mind goes overboard asking endless questions.

  Then I begin to wonder about God. Will He do the same thing if we became a stranger? I am a stranger in my own flesh and I wondered who I am to Him. Every morning, I wake up questioning the day that bound to bring.

  Sadly, those questions drain the energy out of me that I lack of motivation to live for the day. I become invalid to bother waking up when there's no need. Then the loneliness overwhelmed me when I dream.

  As soon as my eyes opened, the emptiness filled my soul and slowly, I drag out of bed. The void that I carry all day, continue with neglect. There was nothing and nobody to feed the void. Yes, indeed, there's God that can do it.

  But how can I connect with God when I cannot tear down the wall? He is at distant as well as my heart. The miles in between, leaves me hanging over the cliff every night when my head hit the pillow.

  Still, I pray. Even if it is like talking to the wall. I pray in hope that it is heard. I pray as though nothing have come in between me and God. I talk as though He is still present while I am absent.

  It goes well with my relationship on earth. My family and I are distant. We are hopefully known as closed family, but as far as emotionally and mentally, I feel so far away from them.

  Though they be around, though they be cuddling in my arms, falling asleep; I am still alone. I am still disconnected. I am still lost. I am still endlessly seeking for the answers to stop the questions of hurting.

  Because it never stops, it never ends. It doesn't have a beginning. It both exist and doesn't exist until I made it happen. The ache I suffer, never exist because I created my own.

  This note probably does not make any sense. Because right now, it is four in the morning and I am lacking sleep. I am writing what comes to my mind. I am not just sure how much of any of this relate with God or whatnot.

  But it does relate much with the emptiness of my soul. The broken promises that I listened to growing up... empty threats that continue into my adulthood. And now that my children are being fed with the same thing I eat... same thing I heard. Same thing I see.....

  And it doesn't seems to ever stop. Will it ever end? When will it end? Where will it end? How will it end? Who will end it? What is gonna stop it?

  Why will it never stop?

  Who are you people? What are you doing here? Why are you reading me? Where do you come from? How did you find me? Do you have any answer to what I am saying?

  What's stopping you from writing to me? Because you don't know me?

  • 4:15 AM
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