Tuesday, 12 May 2009

• Silence Screaming to be Heard

  Depression. What is it that you know of it? How well of it do you understand? Suicide thoughts. Can you see the meanings of it? Are you suggesting anymore than just seeking for help?

  Lately, I have been having those kind of thoughts and it isn't as much cuz I wanna die. Or am I feeling so defeated that I felt suicide is the answer way out of this situation.

  I am not thinking of it as a comfort or way to cry out my pain. I am not thinking about it to drown all my hurts so I could no longer feel it. Suicide have so many meanings to it, so many ways to relate.

  Which of those have I thought about? And just how often?

  Nah, there aren't that many I could imagine having commit and living through it. Er, more like dying through it. And I don't think like all the times as I used to when I was extremely depressed. However, it may be just enough that before long, I will find myself living with the thoughts all the times.

  It is always been a curious to me what it was like to have suicide done. Would I have the gut to really do it and leave all this behind, possibility even get myself damned to hell?

  I cannot imagine having to hurt myself so badly to die from it, leaving behind my children to someone I may not know taking care of them. I don't want them growing up not knowing who I was and maybe get fed with lies about who I was and why I have done what I did.

  I cannot imagine dying on my own will and lost all the connection with God completely and live through this for the rest of my soul life.

  However, I am not depressed because I feel like I am not getting enough of what I want. I am not complaining for the things I don't have, or regretting anything I do have.

  Though I lack majorally in support and social life, I can imagine maybe, just maybe if I have enough of that to boost myself from feeling like a worthless person, I wouldn't so constantly be thinking like this.

  How to put myself out of this position to get myself away from the problems that doesn't exist except for the ones I made? I created my own problems and I am the creator of pains that never exist.

  I am comfortable being hurt. I am comfortable being betrayed. I am comfortable being lost and angry. I have pride I bury myself deep into. And above them all, I hate it.

  I hate being hurt, I hate being betrayed and I hate being angry. It gets me nowhere. It only danger myself and my relationship with my children, my lover and God. The more I dig deeper into my own problems, the bigger holes I will live with between myself and others.

  I know so many people.... I know just about all of those I have met.... who are they? What are they to me? Do  I DARE to call them my friends? Have I called them? Have I visited them?

  I have done so, in hope to get the same in return.

  As much as you would say the devil is my worse enemy, I would say, I am my own worse enemy. I cannot stand the thoughts I think of everyday. I cannot stand the skins I live in. I cannot stand the eyes I see through.....

  Because it all seems to be nothing but a lie. My name is a lie. My life is a lie. My motherhood is a lie. My relationships are all a lie.

  I have fought nonexist war with my soul against liars. I have struggled believing in God's love and His blessing. I have tried connecting and making senses of things I cannot understand.

  My mind is overloaded. And I can't stand it!

  God  blessed me way more than I deserve. I am grateful despite of my struggle of being happy. I am accepting all that He has given me with thanksgiving.... It may sounds like I am not. But you just don't know what's going on with me inside out.

  So, this does not deserve any judgement.

  I thanked God everyday for my children. The air I breathe, though sometimes I don't understand why I deserved it. I thanked Him for giving me another day to live and have more chances. I thanked Him for the struggles I am going through and dealing with lies I listened to every night before I go to bed.

  I thanked God for so many  good things and the bad. Without the bad things, I wouldn't have had good things. I douno if what I am dealing with is a suicidal depression. Or if it's stress that is driving me insane.

  I am easily tempered than ever before. I am losing patience. I am no longer finding happiness in any form. Things are not that difficult... but I am just not understanding. Something is HARD but I don't know what it is.

  I am reaching out but holding myself back at the same time. I am walking to somewhere yet I am going nowhere. I am calling out but no sounds were heard. I am creating my own world that I hate to live in.

  Would you understand me?

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