Wednesday, 22 April 2009

• Presisting Loneliness

  First of all, I was not done writing last night. Distractions took my time away from the computer. Then one thing led to another. My fiance gave me a surprise when he came home, throwing up and passing out. Normally he would be at work until either by 11pm or 2am, heck, even late as 5am!

  But it was barely 9pm when he walked in on me. I screamed my head off, surprised that it didn't wake the kids. All three children continue on sleeping peacefully. I had to drag my fiance to bed and tuck him in with a glass of ice water ready and a bucket, just in case.

  You know, I am a member of Facebook but can you imagine just how many people I know? This is not a bragging part but a fact I am making. I have 113 friends on my list.

  Just how many of them do I know? About 90 of them I have met and hung out with... but just about how many of them have I still contact with? That have returned a favor of visiting me or even talked with me?

  Lemme think for a minute... Oh, I say out of them all, only a handful. Actually most of them don't even visited me [ not to mention a lot of my friends are from Missouri whereas I am in Arkansas right now. ] but they BARELY even spoke with me.

  I have constantly immed them, emailed them, commented them and whatnot... only to find myself waiting still on their reply. A few occassionally do reply... but it is only a rare moment would I hear from them.

  Does that means we are not even friends anymore? Or is it just "numbers" on my buddy list? I am not talking about being popular or even if I am demanding to be noticed...

  But I am only observing the purpose of friendships. What does it mean really, being a friend? What does it mean friendships? Does it take a lot to be one? Or is it simply that this is all an act?

  Tonight, as my faince lay in bed reading a book, I was somewhat fuming. All week, I have been feeling insane! Going crazy with the obession of cleaning the house so that I don't end up with the way the last two apartments I have lived in... [ it has been such a flithy mess ] and wanting company.

  Don't take me wrong, I love being in the company of my three children but that's the thing. They are only children. We can have so much to talk about. And lately, we are having frustrating time communicating because of lack of understanding. Both of my oldest are not aware of most sign language they should have known by now.

  That alone, I was furious with myself. What was wrong with me? What have I done with my children as far as it comes to commiunication? So much ran through my mind. I was scared because if we continue to live like this, they will grow up being frustrated with not being able to talk with me and eventually gives up talking to me altogether....

  Then our relationship will fade. I dread the idea of possiblities that my children will grow up and abandon me. Like my brother and I have done with our mother. Though I occassionally keep in touch with my mother but not as much as I would have liked.

  My brother completely abandoned her and considered her dead.

  This entry is not meant to be depressing or demanding, being so all "poor me. feel sorry for me" kind of thing.. I am only writing what I actually feel and have always noticed for years.

  All this is the same while I lived in Missouri. I had a lot of people I knew but none of whom I could call a friend, except a FEW lucky people.

  Noticing all this really drags me down to the lowest level. And having noticed that, I become feeling lonely. Yesterday, my fiance and I had a fight about this topic. I was complaining to him about how people don't come to visit me and hang out anymore...

  And sure, I felt like they don't want to, all because of my children. And that is NOT fair. Mothers need friends, too!

  I was complaining how I usually would always be the one going out of here to their places and meet up with them  but they never come here. And now that with one car, him working overnights and me having three children, I cannot GO over there.

  Joshua was telling me I wasn't being open and welcoming. Nobody felt like they were invited to come over. And I couldn't understand why he would say such thing. I opened up big time, telling them they were always welcome to come over anytime...

  I tried to set up weekly gathering for poker and have some kind of potluck dinners, where I will make the main dish and  they just pinch in whatever they wanna go along with it.

  Out of five weeks, they have come over twice. One Friday night, I begged my fiance into letting me have the car so I could have the chance to get out of the house.

  Sure enough, he let me but then I didn't know what to do. And decided to go visiting them. And more people showed up at their house. I felt confused and wondered why ...

  Then that made me feel lonelier.

  Oh, trust me, I have prayed to God  A LOT lately. With this loneliness and boredom, I cry out to Him, talk with Him, praised Him and I am always trying to remember to thank Him even for the loneliness and depression.

  I am always trying to be grateful. But it is getting to be a drag, being lonely. Having nobody to talk to, to talk with... When I needed a good cry, I couldn't find the tears to shed.

  Tonight, my fiance and I lay in bed reading a book and cross stitching, while I was feeling a bit annoyed in my boredom and loneliness... I couldn't understand why while I could get out of the house, I didn't.

  I couldn't understand why when I could have talked with him, there was nothing to say. All week, I NEEDED desperately to talk with anybody about ANYTHING.. to keep my sanity in place.

  Talking with God is unfortunately a one side converstation. Maybe it is because I am so behind in this whole relationship and emotion connection with God that it seems I am the one doing all the talk.

  All I know is that, I just wish I could understand. I wish there's a control on this insanity that is threatening to take over my life. I wish I could understand the obession that will destory my family and my life if I don't take control of it. I just wish I could understand why I am so lonely.....

  And I just hope I am not sounding like a whine. But a lonely mother who is reaching out for attention in hope for something good and positive in return, not all the wrong kinds.

  Maybe only if I had a better connection with God that all this would be bearable... and I would be patient.

  While my fiance is finally at home but unfortunately it was because of illness, I find myself avoiding him. I am so used to having him gone at this hour, and normally we only have an hour a day together and usually he spend it on either getting on MySpace, reading a book or just getting ready for work.

  We barely even spend time together anymore... But of course an hour a day seeing him is not that bad comparing to a lot of people who couldn't see their loved one at all..

  Since this is so routine, I am finding myself rather bored with this. And stuck. During the day, all my friends are at work, or there isn't really much to do... during the night, he is gone with the car and I am trapped in home.

  I warned myself not to complain too much... because then what if hours did change.. he went back to the daytime and then I will find myself right back here complaining about it...

  Or worse... he loses ALL the hour and has no job.

  So, seriously, all the while I complain and whine about his hours, lacking of togetherness, I DO also remind myself to be grateful. And I do thank God. Like I said, I even thanked Him for the loneliness because I know down the road He will make the good use out of it and I will eventually learn something from it...

  God never leaves one behind without a plan. That I know....... But does that stop me from the feeling?? I knew and expected the weekly poker gathering be a bit tough to get started but it didn't stop me from feeling hurt that nobody showed up.

  Knowing and feeling are really tough to get along... Mind and heart are constantly an enemy of each other.

  • 11:54 PM
  • 30 Views
  • 0 eProps
  • 0 Comments