Friday, 27 February 2009
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Unheard Confession Needs to be Made
I have a confession to make.
I have terrible addiction that is driving me apart from God and can ruin my realtionships with my family, myself, my friends and God. It is the kind of confession I want to make with someone hearing me and help me cleanse my soul.
The sin of my commitment colors my soul black. The more I have return to that addiction, the more darker I find myself lost into. It is a lonely place in which I have lived in for a long time.
Right now I have nobody spiritual I can trust to express my mistakes and sorrows. Someone I can turn to and fall down on my knees, crying freely in confession of my wrongdoings.
This is the only place I can turn to and write. However, it isn't a place where I can freely confess WHAT I have been doing, because it is what I need to do. Say the stuff I have committed and beg for forgiveness.
I know God forgives. I know He is loving, kind and have mercy. I know He is understanding and patient.
But the sin repeatedly motivation me to commit. I have tried telling myself over and over that it takes me nowhere. I tried unsccuessfully to remind myself it only driven me guilty.
The first time I explore the addiction was due to my ex husband's. He always enter that place whenever I was gone. I returned and inspected the places he visited.
After we broken up, I never thought about it again. It was a forgotten memory. Until I was reminded where to go and visit, I returned. Slowly it became addiction for me to fight with.
It seems pointless for me praying to God for forgiveness and asking for His help to control my addiction when I kept returning. I thought that maybe if I had some support and help from someone, a spiritual guide, I may be able to stop.
But I know that it is my power. That it is my desire. If I wanted to quit, I just have to try. And keep trying harder. It is the same for losing weight. It is the same for any kind of habits we try to break.
Some of us are able to break free and move on without help. But some of us needs to have help.
I tried to wait a few days to see if I was able to control my addiction and soon forget before I was able to turn to God and pray. But then I turn back and did it again.
*Sigh*
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Comments (1)
Hi,
I commented on your blog last year under heidz86. I've created a new blog now called heidi_helen.
I kind of understand your guilt over this secret addiction because I have felt the same way before.
You can confess to God all you want, but you will never change as long as its a secret. You are right that you need to tell someone. You will always be aplogising to God, then doing it again. You will feel too ashamed to tell anyone and you will think you can do it all on your own, that no one has to know (besides you and God). The power to beat this addiction will come when you are able to confess it to someone.
You mention an ex-husband, you are not married then right? If you're married its good to open up to your partner and tell them. If you are not married, a Pastor or Christian counsellor is the next best option. If you don't feel free to talk to your Pastor, start praying God will bring someone godly into your life to help you - another goldy woman perhaps.
Some bible encouragement for you:
James 5:15-16, "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
Proverbs 15:22, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."
In the book 'Devil, Demons and Spiritual Warfare' by Tom Brown he mentions that keeping the battle a private one between you and Satan is one way you can fall. Satan works in secret and convinces his victims to keep their battles under wrap. Sin is done in secret and sinners do not want others to know. James said we should confess our sins to one another. Confession releases a soul from the devil’s grip. (See 2 Thessalonians 2:7, Ephesians 5:12, James 5:16) [p189]
-Heidi