Monday, 23 February 2009

• Recommitment

  I have tried every morning when the alarm goes off to remember God. I have tried every morning, wanting to be sure He is the first thing I do in the mornings. That I turn to Him, in thanksgiving and prayers. Then in the end, I wanted to pray for myself, for the day to come.

  Because, I have terrible weakness. Of course, I am not the only one, I know that. And I do know that even if I have asked and prayed for God to give me strength and courage to face the day, that I can still easily fall.

  In the mornings, I wanted to leave my life in His hands. I wanted to have faith that if I was to die that day, He will have me. That my family and friends will carry on knowing all is well. I wanted to ask God to help me in my walks with Him beside me.

  If I could do it, I would cut my tongue off. Because I never let it keep still. I am nearly shouting every day ... and I will not list the excuses. I have plenty of them to list and explain why I yell.

  Today is Monday... usually it didn't matter what days of the week I faced, it is almost always the same. Rarely I will wake up in a great mood and enjoy my mornings. And a lot of times when I ever am in good mood, it gets dampened by the attitude of my children.

  It frustrated me to no ends if they whined. If they complained. Or refused to cooperate. I just wish that in the back of my mind, I am reminded constantly that there's a better way to treat this.

  That there's a better way to cope the mornings that get tough. I should just pretend God as a human being right beside me, helping me to get my children ready for the day. And all the way through the days of my life.

  Spiritually, I am old. Emotionally, I am old. Mentally, I am old. But I am a young woman of 27 years old! Yet, I feel old. I am old. I know I didn't have to feel that way at all. I should be thinking young. Feeling young. I am long way from getting old.

  Being buried under regrets aged me quickly. Living in sorrows slow my steps in everything that I do.

  I want to be free!! I want to be young again!!  I want to breathe better, live happier and move easily. I don't have any physical problems, or any mental limitation nor do I have anything wrong with my spiritual life. Yet, I act like I am mentally unable to do anything. I live physically unwilling to be alive. I AM spiritually lost.

  I am slowly making the habit to keep up with the devotions. The problem with that commitment is that eventually, even if I kept up with it, I am not following through it. I will read it then it gets through my head until I forget. I am not understanding the purpose of each day I read. I am not letting myself be involved. Yet, I am only making sure I keep up with my commitment to read daily.

  And that is a  good start but then now next step is to GET into it. I don't have any other desire in my life right now more than wanting to be Godly woman. I want to be Godly mother that my children really looks up to me for a long time.

  Granted, I know that down the road we may experience separation due to the teenage rebellions or whatnot... But just because that could happen, does not mean I stop being a Godly mother.

  I want to be Godly wife. I want to serve my husband the way I would like to be served. We are not much of an old fashion couple, where we would believe he is over me.

  We believe each other equally. He has strength in the area where I have weakness. I have strength in the area where he have weakness. We make each other whole. We balance each other well. It is basically how most relationship works.

  I want to be able to make a habit to pray in the mornings. Before my children goes off to school. Every meal time. Before my husband goes to work. After my children returns home safely. And at bedtime.

  Prayer IS important part of our christian life. It is almost the only best connection we have with God. Especially whenever we are lost or confused... whenever we are falling and hurt.

  Prayer is the best connection we have. It is the best medication that can heal us. Correct me wrong, but I am not saying that prayer is everything. However, it IS everything when we have nothing LEFT.

  I pray that in the morning, God helps me keep my tongue still. And that I have strength whenever my children are dragging me down. I pray that I will feel young again and have my relationship with God burning with desire that I cannot have enough.

  I pray that for EVERYBODY, as well. With the way the world is going... unemployment, family issue, whatever... Only  God can help us. *Sigh* I am growing weary and exhausted.

  I am tired. What more can I say?

  • 11:40 PM
  • 24 Views
  • 2 eProps
  • 1 Comment