Wednesday, 03 December 2008

  • Help; I can't sleep!

    Man, lately with the questions of death and everything else, sleeping has been disturbed. I know that if this is not taken cared of eventually, I will find myself once again back feeling depressed. Even though depression is never gone, it is always there, but it has been a moment when I haven't had depression for a long time.

    And this one, I was hoping to be another long time.

    I am not exactly feeling it at the moment but when  I went to bed in the dark room next to my five year old daugther, I suddenly felt the creepiest nag that I am scared of the dark.

    And that I am too scared to go to sleep. Yet I am more comfortable sleeping during the day, alongside with my fiance while children were at school. Really, I don't see anything wrong with doing that but.. still it is hard.


    I don't like to stay up all night. I don't like sleeping while kids are at school. Because what if something came up and they needed to come home.. how will I have the strength and energy to be with them?

    I think my daughter is running another set of fever again. She was terribly whiney yesterday morning and cried a lot. Then when she got home, she was laying on the couch, not being her normal self.

    She pulled my hand to her neck and I discovered she was burning again. 101.4. This is the fifth time she have had this fever. And I am starting to get really mad about it. This bothers me! She has missed almost a month worth of school because of the fever.

    In the past, I have struggled this same thing even before my children were born. As it turned out, I have apnea. I underwent surgery for my nose because I barely could breathe through it. Unfortunately, it didn't get any better, rather it got worse.

    I never  got the chance to get back with my doctor about this problem to discuss another plan. I was provided a CPAP; breathing machine but it was HORRIBLE. I cannot use it, and I don't like it at all. I kept waking up from it anyways!!

    I am sure at the moment that there is nothing I could do being pregnant. I will have to wait til after the birth to do anything about it.

    Last night, while I was just waking up, my fiance arrived home and showed me his swelling finger. He had an accident that may result of a broken finger though the nurse said it is not broken.

    Man, his workplace is rather dangerous. Once, he slipped on a ladder falling 15 feet down, hitting his head on each step down to the floor, getting knocked out cold. Honestly I am worried about his safety. Scared for his life.

    But I know that whenever there is an accident, there is nothing I could do about it. And whenever someone dies, all I have left to do is accept the fate that it is over. Though I hate the idea of ever having to deal with that.

    I have been praying a lot lately, asking God for forgiveness and to help me repent. But in my opinion, repenting takes a lot of work and it isn't one person deal, either. It needs help to get a nudge across the bridge.

    But if I am on my own doing this, I am sure God will help me figure out how to get over the barrier that keeps me down. But I just hope it won't take too long.

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