Monday, 06 October 2008

• Breaking

  While God never meant for one soul to be alone, I know that this situation I am in is only temporarily while once I find the glory in His grace, everything else will be like a nightmare.

  But the problem is at this moment, my heart is breaking and I am falling more and more everyday. My children are watching me suffer and hurting.. there have to be a way that my children should not have to go through this with me.

  For one, I am weak. I am lost. I am hurt. They are weaker than me, they are smaller than me, they are more vulnerable than I. They are innocent, knows nothing of any faults in this world.

  And I don't want them to learn that anything I am going through and think it is their fault. But I know that as long as I seek help, which I have been before we moved here, that I will and be able to get better.

  But until I am lacking of support here, I am falling weaker. I have been questioning God's will in all this. Though I have major depression, I have been fighting hard and long at this. I made friends and got support I needed for this situation but then when I decided to make the new changes... I ASKED God to help me understand that HE agrees with this choice...

  So I don't do things rashly on my own. Then we moved. I suppose it would have been alright... until I became pregnant. Why now, I wonder. Why here? Two years I have been with my boyfriend and nothing happens while I had everything to get me going to the point I have nothing and I became pregnant?

  Yes, I will admit I am a little mad at God. But, knowing that it would get me nowhere, I am not boiling pissed about it. Just mad at the lack of understanding, knowing and waiting..

  Patient is not something I actually have. I am trying. I am desperately trying. And man, this is getting me down hard. I know this is to be temporarily.. and honestly I am aware of God's plotting a plan for me. Having the great idea to use this experience for something down the road.

  Maybe for my children's future, God is making me go through this so that I may be of some help to them. Or maybe it is to help this town be aware of the deaf depression which is major problem in a lot of us.

  I noticed a lot of deaf people are depressed and don't mistaken it because they cannot hear that made them sad. They are depressed for MANY reasons that hearing also have.

  But most of the times I noticed their depression is based on hopelessness of getting to the point of life. Like, say for example, they want a specific job. But people are hanging up on their calls because they never heard of relay calls, or pasting a smile on their face at the interview to later say "We will call you." but never do.

  Families could be the problem. Deaf person the only one in the whole family that cannot hear and only speaks sign langauge while everybody else speaks and signs HERE AND THERE...

  It can be any reasons.

  Me.... man, I douno. I grew up with this. I have been through this so many times. It is not the first, and it will NEVER be the last. I know I will die with this depression in my blood.

  My mother has it, my brother has it, my sisters have it. Depression are like another family member without flesh. But man, ain't it ugly?

  Right now, my situation is torn in between the choice of being with my boyfriend and children here, within good distance of the ex [their father] or to be with my best friend of over 20 years who lives over 800 miles...

  If I have up and left this place without the ex's permission, I am in risk of something with my kids. I am not sure of what. My boyfriend said I am kidnapping the children. I could lose the kids...

  Right now I am trying to contact with a lawyer to see what my opinions are. I know my ex well enough that he will not let me go too far.

  I don't want to leave my boyfriend just because I am miserable here. Knowing better than that, chances are whatever I am dealing with can follow me wherever I go.

  Plus, I am not getting the calling from God that I can just get up and leave.

  • 7:08 PM
  • 36 Views
  • 6 eProps
  • 3 Comments