Thursday, 10 July 2008

• Dreams.. Friends... Boyfriend, headaches

  Lately I have been having meaningful dreams. Of course as soon as I am awake and the more time I get into the days, the forgetful I am with dreams. However, the memories of meaningful remains. The stories of my dreams are forgotten.

  I have known and heard so many times when people would complain making choices between friends and their sweethearts. I never really had that problem. Even now, it isn't a big problem but however it is the issue lately.

  I am not sure of what my dreams have to do with nowadays. And what they have to do with my friends that's been on my mind.

  See, when I was married, I had friends. Further into the marriage, my friends became less and less of friend of mine. Eventually they became memories I missed dearly. When I got divorced, they still didn't come around.

  Only one friend remained. And now that I have moved, she is becoming more of a distant friend. Which really breaks my heart. It is so hard having friends with long distance. But thanksfully she is still around to be called a best friend, from the time I met my ex-husband to the time I moved.

  Really, I thanked God she has been around. She has helped me with my first baby and she has helped me through my depression. She has helped me a lot more than I can say. Sadly, my boyfriend isn't a big fan of her's. According to him, he says my best friend is jealous.

  That did not make any sense.

  And now he tells me he doesn't like my girlfriend [childhood best friend].It seems to me that my boyfriend doesn't like ANY of my friends. Granted, I have had bad  taste in friends. But they are human. They are only people. And I care about them, as well.

  As a Christmas gift last year, my boyfriend bought me a bus ticket to Lansing, Michigan to visit my girlfriend in February. Her husband was  being deployed to Kuwait. I loved the present. Was so excited I couldn't wait to go.

  Part of the gift was no children along. And orginally it was going to be only four weeks. But due the bad weather, the bus was delayed by two days and I added two extra weeks.

  It was WONDERFUL. I loved every mintues of being there. The freedom and break from my boyfriend and children and the break from the town I have lived in for 10 years.

  Six weeks in Michigan, I have made friends that welcome me warmly and kept me around. I have had the calling to leave Springfield, Missouri during those weeks. But I thought maybe it is to return Michigan [I grew up in Jackson] but apparently God had another plan.

  I wanted to remain in Michigan but since I left children in Missouri, it was too impossible. I have to come back for my darlings, even if it wasn't for my boyfriend. I think that if it came down to it, chosing between friends and my boyfriend... friends would have came first.

  I discussed with Joshua about moving back to Michigan. Of course with my ex-husband in the picture, it is almost not possible, at least not without having to go through the court deal.

  Few days after I returned back home, my fiance announced that the business he works for was shutting down. That there are few choices for the employees. Either they remain to the last days, or go through the agency that will help them locate another job, OR get transfer.

  Obivously we chose the last option. I was all for leaving Springfield. The town was draining me dry, the memories were burning into my depression and the loneliness was killing me. I knew that with the changes, those would also apply until I get settled in the Springdale, Arkansas.

  When we moved here, I warned my fiance that I will have meltdowns and tempers. That I will break down time to time, throw a screaming fits and seems to be unstable.

  Sure enough for first month or so, I went through the pain of adjusting. Joshua remembered my warnings and heed to it. Thank God for my warnings. I knew beforehand all this will happen. Mainly from experince.

  Also before we moved here, I have discussed with God about the move. I asked Him for permisson. To give me heads up if this is the good move or if it is only my own selfish desire.

  I asked my pastor about the difference between my own desire and His will. How did I know it IS God's will....

  "Like when Jesus was sleeping while there's storm and his disciples were freaking out, the same goes with your situtations. If you moved and feel disturbed inside your soul. it is your wish, not God's. But if you moved and surrounding is tough but you have sense of peace, then you would know it is God's will, not your's."

  When we were moving, I made sure it is God's will, not mine and if I didn't have any problems that be likely to follow me wherever I go.

  Anyways, as I was trying to point out. Last night my friends from Michigan called me. We chatted for good hour or so. Obviously they all missed me dearly. They asked me to come back. I teased them to get me a ticket and I will.

  As long as they aren't getting me ticket to return, neither will I.

  I have been thinking about this choices. Do I have the choice between my boyfriend and my friends? Most likely, yes. Joshua does not want to move up to the Michigan, it isn't his place at all.

  The one other reason I cannot move to Michigan is my children with their father. Otherwise, I probably would move in a heartbeat. If it is God's will, as well. But obviously, it is not. At least, not yet.

  This is my third day in a row to suffer headaches. First day I suffered from Vertigo and then I banged my head on the car as I was getting in, my headache started that afternoon and today for no reason I am still having headache.

  In a way I started to feel a bit concern. Before I had this same kind of headache that persist, and found out that I was suffering from a long word that is known as water in the brain.

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