Saturday, 28 June 2008

• Missing Key

  

  Slowly as I have mentioned my walk became a crawl, my emotions has been getting rutted with depression once again. It has been a while when I have thought of suicide. Honestly when the first thought popped in, I was startled.

  Startled more about how long it has been and it felt so different to be thinking about ending my life once again. It used to be my life. I lived everyday dying. I have lived everyday dying without hope, without faith and without trying.

  For so long I have forgotten how to live without dying part. And now I have forgotten I used to live dying everyday... that the familiar feelings and thoughts only shocked me when it suddenly appeared.

  [[Out of the blue.]]

  But actually it is more like something is missing and I cannot quite figure it out what it is. I didn't realize it until that familiar thought made the impact on my mind, and it made me look around myself.

  Am I doing okay? Where am I going? What the heck am I doing? Are my family alright? Do they still love me even though I made a lot of mistakes? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

  I think about my mother lately. I think about my brother. Then I am struggling with the whole point of if I should step back from the church or continue. Maybe it is the overwhelmness of buying a new car, the new responsiblity is actually not stinking in yet.

  Something happened again and I didn't look closely to what it was ... Frankly I hate when this happens.

  Like how did God suddenly appear when I wasn't even trying to look for Him, but yet He never did the whole time I was desperately searching for Him? What happened to me that one night when I snapped and all changed?

  The smallest details I overlooked became such a major part of what happened in my future. A lot of times THAT bothers me. And it can get so annoying.

  I am sure it is better off not working so hard on this small problem while I have the chance of walking with God. I know it is better off that I should just strug it off and laugh it with pride that something good came out of it.

  But still.... it is the void.

  And I cannot stand the void. I have lived with it for so long, that it is part of who I am. AND THAT IS THE UGLY PART OF ME. Nobody should have to know who the void person I was. Despite the fact I have plenty of secrets that I am not trying to hide from anyone, this is one truth I would never want to come out.

  But sometimes things gotta be done ...

  Didn't I recently read a verse that quote about putting fear aside and have faith in God? Maybe that's the problem with my stumbles. I am getting a little messy with reading God's word.

  Wow, imagine how much a difference a bible can make in our lives.......

   

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