Sunday, 25 May 2008
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Something is Off
First thing that came to my mind when I woke up this morning was to get on Revelife. Lately I have been looking forward to reading and writing in Revelife. Surely, it has major effect on my life now. I love Xanga and I used to be the same way with it. But with Revelife, it is a Christian site and I am rather more excited about it.
However after I got on here, my mood and desire to write died. I didn't have the idea what to say or write about. At first I thought about dropping the plan on being here for the day and just wait til the right moment come along and get back on to write again.
But I decided not to do that. This is the same idea with God. If we chose to miss one minute with Him, there will be more time to come that we decide to dismiss God.
I got on with no idea what to write about and nothing to think about at the moment. Then I thought, why not just get on and let God guide me and He will give me something to write about.
On and off I have had this old self peeking through to say hello to myself. I have been struggling to make changes for the better. The greatest temptation is to give in and go back to my old ways.
However with my old ways, I hated myself. Though I tried miserably not to admit it, to deny that I am angry. God loves me, why should I hate myself?
Sadly, it didn't work to think that way. I think my mistakes was not admiting to how I feel and to understand the truth of my emotions. I realized that my anger got me nowhere and I knew that. Therefore I was full of remorse that I couldn't think clearly.
The last time I survived this painful experince lasted six months. Hopefully this time, I will still the fight going and keep my ground. Besides I really do need to keep my strength for the sake of my children, if not for anything or anybody else.
God gave me children for a reason. I should live and serve that reason by doing something about it, not nothing.
We all have weakness in our lives. I can go on all day writing list of my weakness. But does God look into that and judge us? Thankfully, no. He looks into our hearts and judge our desire.
Am I ever thankful for that?! It is so hard being human and try to please God. It is a constant struggle to survive and serve God. The tempation is endless to ignore and moving onto God.
I guess that's the major point of having faith. That is the point of putting trust in God and keep trying. We shouldn't just give up and sit back, doing nothing. That is the purpose of our enemy.
However, if we become weary, we should rest in God. I failed to find that verse relate to that saying. I rememeber something that Jesus mentioned about weary souls.
I'm feeling terrible—I couldn't feel worse!
Get me on my feet again. You promised, remember?
When I told my story, you responded;
train me well in your deep wisdom.
Help me understand these things inside and out
so I can ponder your miracle-wonders.
My sad life's dilapidated, a falling-down barn;
build me up again by your Word.
Barricade the road that goes Nowhere;
grace me with your clear revelation.
I choose the true road to Somewhere,
I post your road signs at every curve and corner.
I grasp and cling to whatever you tell me;
God, don't let me down!
I'll run the course you lay out for me
if you'll just show me how.Psalm 119:28-32
I am still lost. I am still hurt. I am still struggling. Of course, who hasn't? I know that this is part of being Christian. I admire Jesus for his courage to have face this world of hate and pain.
If He could do it, so can we.
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