Thursday, 15 May 2008

• Lonely Beginning

  Though I am sure it is God's calling that my family and I was chosen to move to Springdale, Arkansas, I am sure very lonely now that I still haven't made any friends.

  It DOES take time. I welcome the new changes and the move was very much needed but not the loneliness. When I came back from visiting my best friend in Michigan for six weeks, I have been having a sense that we needed to move.

  I have been talking about going back with my children and stay with my friend until we were able to get our own place.

  But my faincee announced only a week later his workplace business got sold out and is shutting down the factory, and people were given choices. There was few of them; transfer, going to center to help find another job or just get stuck with unemployment.

  We chose the transfer. I have struggled with the fact if it was my calling or God's calling. But I have been assured that everything will be alright. Even if things are rough and hard at first, I kept in mind that God will take care of us.

  I knew beforehand that this would be a rough move. That I will be angry, screaming and yelling, that I will be crying, breaking down and wanting to just drop everything and let it all go, leaving it all behind.

  AND I knew that I will be lonely for a long time. God doesn't intend for anyone to be alone. Which is why he gave Adam a wife to keep him company. I am blessed to have my fiancee along with us but with the long hours at odd hours is tough!!

  Sure that it will be great that the pay is more and that he is getting extra hours... but it is straining on our relationship. He got mad at me before leaving work for not sparing him pizza I ordered last night.

  Now, I felt bad. I ordered two mediums and the kids ate like two slices and I had a lot. I was hungry and unfortunately I kinda got greedy on it. Food and I are not a best of friends. For years I have had eating disorder but I manage to do well.

  Every once in a while the moment happens.

  My son woke up and took two slices of pizza and I ate the last slice.

  Joshua went on telling me I was very unthoughtful and a pig. Franky that insulted me and we got onto an agurement. It was pointless kind of fight, really. But I am impress with myself that I haven't really SCREAMED and went onto the hitting stage. [it is kinda habit thing being hard of hearing and sign language is my main language]

  We went on and on for about maybe 20 minutes just finding bad things about each other and point it out. I realized what was happening and said, "This happened between me and my ex husband, and I will not let this happen again between us. This will go nowhere."

  Of course I walked away and he left without a good-bye. I owe him apology. One is being pig on the leftover food, and another is just snapping at him for no reason. Though he also owes me an apology as well for yelling and calling me names.

  Another touchy subject he brought up is children. Now I really cannot stand ANYONE saying bad things about my parenthood. I get upset easily if anyone said I have done something wrong or that kids are bad at something.

  I felt like I was failing whenever I heard that. I felt that I am accused of being abusive, neglecting children or whatever...  it is really frustrating and painful.

  Joshua [my fiancee] has one problem he needs to work on. He tends to criticized me instead of "correcting" me. I welcome his guideness and support if he knew the right way to say things. If he knew the right way to express my mistakes or point out my weakness.

  Children and I are getting so much better along the last few days. I still fail at disciplining my kids. However, they are improving as we go with the flow. For three days Angel will be getting on the computer and kept getting into website without my permission. [And actually he is only three years old and so he is not allowed on the computer at ALL without any adult around.]

  Today, he finally left the computer alone and I simply thanked him. All I have been doing is taking him off the computer as soon as he was on it and repeatedly tell him, "NO" and explains here and there why he cannot be on it. It took him three days to finally get it.

  Not to mention I put in the password so he cannot get into the computer at all.

  I am trying to be patient with God's plan and His will to get on with this life. To see the point of being here in the first place. However, I really wish that Joshua will wake up and learn to speak better than using harsh words.

  And I have to use that to myself, as well. I need to remember to speak nicely and carefully. I sure would not like it if it came back at me and find myself falling back onto my bottom with aching mind. I don't want to be judge.

  For a long time I have been doing terrible things to myself that my children get the secondhand of it. Their behavior was HORRIBLE. And I was just so frustrated and angry that I felt so helpless and lost.

  But slowly they are starting to behave better and we are feeling more at peace and happier. I do believe it has to do with being around my ex-husband for so long.  Now that he lives two hours away from me, things are easier.

  Next step: Find friends.

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