It has been a while since I came back. A lot of things changed in the past year. Yesterday, my son just turned three months old. And there are days when I found myself wondering what happened to the old life.

A year ago, I was addicted to Revelife. Before that, I was addicted to Xanga. And then before that, I don't remember but I usually like finding myself in chatroom and just talk about stuff with people I never met.

I always felt better writing in blogs. But when something happened over a year ago by the things I wrote, I slowly stopped caring to come back here. I lost interest and care to write anymore.

And funny thing is, it was the same thing in Xanga. I loved writing and always went into it everyday. Then one thing happened and I got in trouble. I found Revelife, hoping that would be a good change. And came here.

But that didn't last very long.

I am so tired of being wise, yet not listening to myself. I am tired of having so many good advices and never take one of my own. I am always hearing people telling me how smart I am, yet I can't go to college because I never finished high school.

I am tired of how people always telling me I have great wisdom, yet it doesn't make any sense of how I am living. My life is great, if you just look at it. Three beautiful healthy children who seems to be happy all the times.

I got a guy that looks and acted like he loves me and always acted fatherly with his newborn. But then again, it was all a show.  It feels like a show. This is not my life you're seeing. It is my dream.

However, it is not exactly how I wanted it. I know I can't have life the way I want it to be, because it's all God's will. And I have no choice but to accept it and be grateful because He knows what is good for us.

Sometimes that sucked.

I hate church shopping, it isn't easy. Especially being deaf, it is NOT  easy. Though I know that if I made the effort of shopping for a good local home church, God will reward me into finding a perfect one.

I know I have to have patient. But in having patient, I know I have to DO something, not sitting back and waiting for SOMETHING to happen. And certainly nothing will be accomplished if all I do was complain and whine about it.

Who are you people? Where do you come from? What are you doing here? Why are you looking at me? Will you answer any of my questions?

A lot of times when those questions run through my mind, it always goes unanswered. And when it does, the cycle begin and before long, my mind goes overboard asking endless questions.

Then I begin to wonder about God. Will He do the same thing if we became a stranger? I am a stranger in my own flesh and I wondered who I am to Him. Every morning, I wake up questioning the day that bound to bring.

Sadly, those questions drain the energy out of me that I lack of motivation to live for the day. I become invalid to bother waking up when there's no need. Then the loneliness overwhelmed me when I dream.

As soon as my eyes opened, the emptiness filled my soul and slowly, I drag out of bed. The void that I carry all day, continue with neglect. There was nothing and nobody to feed the void. Yes, indeed, there's God that can do it.

But how can I connect with God when I cannot tear down the wall? He is at distant as well as my heart. The miles in between, leaves me hanging over the cliff every night when my head hit the pillow.

Still, I pray. Even if it is like talking to the wall. I pray in hope that it is heard. I pray as though nothing have come in between me and God. I talk as though He is still present while I am absent.

It goes well with my relationship on earth. My family and I are distant. We are hopefully known as closed family, but as far as emotionally and mentally, I feel so far away from them.

Though they be around, though they be cuddling in my arms, falling asleep; I am still alone. I am still disconnected. I am still lost. I am still endlessly seeking for the answers to stop the questions of hurting.

Because it never stops, it never ends. It doesn't have a beginning. It both exist and doesn't exist until I made it happen. The ache I suffer, never exist because I created my own.

This note probably does not make any sense. Because right now, it is four in the morning and I am lacking sleep. I am writing what comes to my mind. I am not just sure how much of any of this relate with God or whatnot.

But it does relate much with the emptiness of my soul. The broken promises that I listened to growing up... empty threats that continue into my adulthood. And now that my children are being fed with the same thing I eat... same thing I heard. Same thing I see.....

And it doesn't seems to ever stop. Will it ever end? When will it end? Where will it end? How will it end? Who will end it? What is gonna stop it?

Why will it never stop?

Who are you people? What are you doing here? Why are you reading me? Where do you come from? How did you find me? Do you have any answer to what I am saying?

What's stopping you from writing to me? Because you don't know me?

First of all, I was not done writing last night. Distractions took my time away from the computer. Then one thing led to another. My fiance gave me a surprise when he came home, throwing up and passing out. Normally he would be at work until either by 11pm or 2am, heck, even late as 5am!

But it was barely 9pm when he walked in on me. I screamed my head off, surprised that it didn't wake the kids. All three children continue on sleeping peacefully. I had to drag my fiance to bed and tuck him in with a glass of ice water ready and a bucket, just in case.

You know, I am a member of Facebook but can you imagine just how many people I know? This is not a bragging part but a fact I am making. I have 113 friends on my list.

Just how many of them do I know? About 90 of them I have met and hung out with... but just about how many of them have I still contact with? That have returned a favor of visiting me or even talked with me?

Lemme think for a minute... Oh, I say out of them all, only a handful. Actually most of them don't even visited me [ not to mention a lot of my friends are from Missouri whereas I am in Arkansas right now. ] but they BARELY even spoke with me.

I have constantly immed them, emailed them, commented them and whatnot... only to find myself waiting still on their reply. A few occassionally do reply... but it is only a rare moment would I hear from them.

Does that means we are not even friends anymore? Or is it just "numbers" on my buddy list? I am not talking about being popular or even if I am demanding to be noticed...

But I am only observing the purpose of friendships. What does it mean really, being a friend? What does it mean friendships? Does it take a lot to be one? Or is it simply that this is all an act?

Tonight, as my faince lay in bed reading a book, I was somewhat fuming. All week, I have been feeling insane! Going crazy with the obession of cleaning the house so that I don't end up with the way the last two apartments I have lived in... [ it has been such a flithy mess ] and wanting company.

Don't take me wrong, I love being in the company of my three children but that's the thing. They are only children. We can have so much to talk about. And lately, we are having frustrating time communicating because of lack of understanding. Both of my oldest are not aware of most sign language they should have known by now.

That alone, I was furious with myself. What was wrong with me? What have I done with my children as far as it comes to commiunication? So much ran through my mind. I was scared because if we continue to live like this, they will grow up being frustrated with not being able to talk with me and eventually gives up talking to me altogether....

Then our relationship will fade. I dread the idea of possiblities that my children will grow up and abandon me. Like my brother and I have done with our mother. Though I occassionally keep in touch with my mother but not as much as I would have liked.

My brother completely abandoned her and considered her dead.

This entry is not meant to be depressing or demanding, being so all "poor me. feel sorry for me" kind of thing.. I am only writing what I actually feel and have always noticed for years.

All this is the same while I lived in Missouri. I had a lot of people I knew but none of whom I could call a friend, except a FEW lucky people.

Noticing all this really drags me down to the lowest level. And having noticed that, I become feeling lonely. Yesterday, my fiance and I had a fight about this topic. I was complaining to him about how people don't come to visit me and hang out anymore...

And sure, I felt like they don't want to, all because of my children. And that is NOT fair. Mothers need friends, too!

I was complaining how I usually would always be the one going out of here to their places and meet up with them  but they never come here. And now that with one car, him working overnights and me having three children, I cannot GO over there.

Joshua was telling me I wasn't being open and welcoming. Nobody felt like they were invited to come over. And I couldn't understand why he would say such thing. I opened up big time, telling them they were always welcome to come over anytime...

I tried to set up weekly gathering for poker and have some kind of potluck dinners, where I will make the main dish and  they just pinch in whatever they wanna go along with it.

Out of five weeks, they have come over twice. One Friday night, I begged my fiance into letting me have the car so I could have the chance to get out of the house.

Sure enough, he let me but then I didn't know what to do. And decided to go visiting them. And more people showed up at their house. I felt confused and wondered why ...

Then that made me feel lonelier.

Oh, trust me, I have prayed to God  A LOT lately. With this loneliness and boredom, I cry out to Him, talk with Him, praised Him and I am always trying to remember to thank Him even for the loneliness and depression.

I am always trying to be grateful. But it is getting to be a drag, being lonely. Having nobody to talk to, to talk with... When I needed a good cry, I couldn't find the tears to shed.

Tonight, my fiance and I lay in bed reading a book and cross stitching, while I was feeling a bit annoyed in my boredom and loneliness... I couldn't understand why while I could get out of the house, I didn't.

I couldn't understand why when I could have talked with him, there was nothing to say. All week, I NEEDED desperately to talk with anybody about ANYTHING.. to keep my sanity in place.

Talking with God is unfortunately a one side converstation. Maybe it is because I am so behind in this whole relationship and emotion connection with God that it seems I am the one doing all the talk.

All I know is that, I just wish I could understand. I wish there's a control on this insanity that is threatening to take over my life. I wish I could understand the obession that will destory my family and my life if I don't take control of it. I just wish I could understand why I am so lonely.....

And I just hope I am not sounding like a whine. But a lonely mother who is reaching out for attention in hope for something good and positive in return, not all the wrong kinds.

Maybe only if I had a better connection with God that all this would be bearable... and I would be patient.

While my fiance is finally at home but unfortunately it was because of illness, I find myself avoiding him. I am so used to having him gone at this hour, and normally we only have an hour a day together and usually he spend it on either getting on MySpace, reading a book or just getting ready for work.

We barely even spend time together anymore... But of course an hour a day seeing him is not that bad comparing to a lot of people who couldn't see their loved one at all..

Since this is so routine, I am finding myself rather bored with this. And stuck. During the day, all my friends are at work, or there isn't really much to do... during the night, he is gone with the car and I am trapped in home.

I warned myself not to complain too much... because then what if hours did change.. he went back to the daytime and then I will find myself right back here complaining about it...

Or worse... he loses ALL the hour and has no job.

So, seriously, all the while I complain and whine about his hours, lacking of togetherness, I DO also remind myself to be grateful. And I do thank God. Like I said, I even thanked Him for the loneliness because I know down the road He will make the good use out of it and I will eventually learn something from it...

God never leaves one behind without a plan. That I know....... But does that stop me from the feeling?? I knew and expected the weekly poker gathering be a bit tough to get started but it didn't stop me from feeling hurt that nobody showed up.

Knowing and feeling are really tough to get along... Mind and heart are constantly an enemy of each other.

It has taken me a long time to learn something about attitude. I realized lately how thankful I have been since the day my son was born and how much I have changed outwardly.

Sure I have heard this so many times that the positive you are inside, the positive you are the outside. Like a sponge, so I always look at it. And it is so true about the saying, "You are what you eat."

As I was saying, lately I wake up in the morning and the first thing after thinking how much I wanted to continue sleeping, I thanked God for everything. I know it has a lot to do with the new baby and moving to a nicer place, though it is not exactly bigger... however I have not found myself in the dump.

Like I have been struggling with as of late. But the funny thing is, usually this takes practice and a lot of self-discipline. Maybe with the new baby and the move, the load has been lifted from my shoulders and I have found myself  giving up in God again.

I knew for a long time I have been depending on myself and that was the error of Christian life. Though that is the weakest part of my walk in God. Forgetting that I needed HIM and not to depend on myself to get through life.

Ever since we moved to Arkansas, things has been really amazing. But there was a lot of bumpy road since. Then suddenly after the baby's birth and the move to new apartment, something changed.

I cannot figure out what has changed but I will not spend all my time trying to. I am only finding myself more grateful. Sure, I am still a  grumpy moody lady time to time...

The first night Joshua returned to work after baby birth [in the new apartment] [he was on the paid vacation from work.] I knew my old self would be craving for company, longing to have someone [adult] around. Usually I would have felt lonely and sad.

But I found myself thinking, "Wow, when I am usually lonely or sad, I am moping around but instead I find myself thanking God for everything and getting around the house freely."

What changed?

All I know is that I feel more positive, happier  and free. I am no longer feeling the need to depend on myself and rely on my emotions to get through life.

For years I have struggled with depression and on and off I have taken types of medications to help with mood swings in the last 10 years... things were still in the gloom for me.

But when I had suspicious of my pregnancy, I completely stopped cold turkey on the medication. For about three months or so, my moods was horrible, I was the monster in mask.

Slowly, I was returning to myself. But I was still seeking God depserately with losses. I couldn't find Him, I couldn't connect with Him, I couldn't feel Him or see Him. I couldn't hear Him.

I read devotions all the times as of late, but beforehand, reading them would have just gone past through my mind. I wouldn't have gotten the grip on the reality of what's going on.

And now that I am finally getting back with God, everything is starting to make sense. Though I cannot say that the past few years made any sense, to why all this has happened.

But the changes, are all making sense. God is really amazing. Gotta love that Dude!! Seriously, what is life without God? It is really blessing to have Him in our lives. I am ever more grateful for all that He has done to me and for me.

God is good!

I have a confession to make.

I have terrible addiction that is driving me apart from God and can ruin my realtionships with my family, myself, my friends and God. It is the kind of confession I want to make with someone hearing me and help me cleanse my soul.

The sin of my commitment colors my soul black. The more I have return to that addiction, the more darker I find myself lost into. It is a lonely place in which I have lived in for a long time.

Right now I have nobody spiritual I can trust to express my mistakes and sorrows. Someone I can turn to and fall down on my knees, crying freely in confession of my wrongdoings.

This is the only place I can turn to and write. However, it isn't a place where I can freely confess WHAT I have been doing, because it is what I need to do. Say the stuff I have committed and beg for forgiveness.

I know God forgives. I know He is loving, kind and have mercy. I know He is understanding and patient.

But the sin repeatedly motivation me to commit. I have tried telling myself over and over that it takes me nowhere. I tried unsccuessfully to remind myself it only driven me guilty.

The first time I explore the addiction was due to my ex husband's. He always enter that place whenever I was gone. I returned and inspected the places he visited.

After we broken up, I never thought about it again. It was a forgotten memory. Until I was reminded where to go and visit, I returned. Slowly it became addiction for me to fight with.

It seems pointless for me praying to God for forgiveness and asking for His help to control my addiction when I kept returning. I thought that maybe if I had some support and help from someone, a spiritual guide, I may be able to stop.

But I know that it is my power. That it is my desire. If I wanted to quit, I just have to try. And keep trying harder. It is the same for losing weight. It is the same for any kind of habits we try to break.

Some of us are able to break free and move on without help. But some of us needs to have help.

I tried to wait a few days to see if I was able to control my addiction and soon forget before I was able to turn to God and pray. But then I turn back and did it again.

*Sigh*